The Undomestic Goddess 34

If I had some proof …

Anything …

My mind starts turning over the facts again, like a bird turning over empty snail shells. I’m going to drive myself crazy like this.

“What I was wondering is …”

Suddenly I become aware that Nathaniel is speaking. In fact I think he could have been speaking for a while—and I haven’t heard a word. I hastily turn round, to see him facing me. His cheeks are flushed and he has an unfamiliar awkwardness about him. It looks like whatever he’s been saying has required some effort.

“ … do you feel the same way, Samantha?”

He coughs, and breaks off into an expectant silence.

I stare back at him dumbly. Do I feel the same way about what?

Oh, shit. Bollocks. The man I’m secretly falling in love with just made a romantic speech to me—probably the only one I’ll get in my whole life—and I wasn’t listening? I missed it?

I want to shoot myself for being so rubbish.

And now he’s waiting for me to reply. What am I going to do? He’s just spilled his heart to me. I can’t say, “Sorry, I didn’t quite catch that.”

“Um …” I push my hair back, playing for time. “Well … you’ve given me quite a lot to think about.”

“But do you agree?”

OK, this is Nathaniel. I’m sure I agree with it, whatever it is.

“Yes.” I give him the most sincere look I can muster. “Yes, I agree. Wholeheartedly. In fact … I’ve often thought so myself.”

Nathaniel is scrutinizing me. “You agree,” he says, as though to make sure. “With everything?”

“Er … yes!” I’m starting to feel a bit nervous now. What have I agreed to?

“Even about the chimpanzees?”

“The chimpanzees?” I suddenly see Nathaniel’s mouth twitching. He’s on to me.

“You didn’t listen to a word I was saying, did you?” he says, in matter-of-fact tones.

“I didn’t realize you were saying something important!” I wail, hanging my head. “You should have warned me!”

Nathaniel looks at me incredulously. “That took some nerve, you know, saying all that.”

“Say it again,” I beg. “Say it all again! I’ll listen!”

“Uh-uh.” He laughs, shaking his head. “Maybe one day.”

“I’m sorry, Nathaniel. Really I am.” I turn away to press my head against the window glass. “I was just … distracted.”

“I know.” He comes over and puts his arms around me, over my own. I can feel his steady heartbeat against me, calming me down. “Samantha, what’s up? It’s your old relationship, isn’t it?”

“Yup,” I mutter after a pause.

“Why won’t you tell me about it? I could help.”

I turn round to face him. The sun is glowing in his eyes and on his burnished face. He’s never looked more handsome.

I know I can’t hide my past forever. I could tell Nathaniel the whole story, right here, right now. But at the same time, I know that the minute I tell him who I was, he’ll look at me differently. Everything will change between us. I won’t be Samantha anymore. I’ll be a lawyer.

And it’s all so perfect as it is. I can’t bear to rock the boat just yet.

“I don’t want to bring that world into this one,” I say at last. “I just don’t.” Nathaniel opens his mouth again, but I turn away before he can speak. I stare out at the idyllic view, blinking against the rays of the sun, my mind in total turmoil.

Maybe I should just give up on the whole nightmare. Forget about it. Let it go. The chances are I’ll never be able to prove anything. Arnold has all the power; I have none. The chances are if I try to stir things up again all I’ll get is more humiliation and disgrace.

I could so easily do nothing. I could just put it from my mind, as I’ve tried to do all this time. Close the door on my old life and leave it behind forever. I have a job. I have Nathaniel. I have a possible future here.

But even as I’m thinking it—I know that’s not what I’m going to do. I can’t forget about it. I can’t let go.

Twenty-one

The city isn’t the way I remember it. I can’t believe how dirty it is. How rushed it is. As I arrived at Paddington Station this afternoon I felt almost bewildered by the commuter crowds moving like a swarm of ants over the concourse. I could smell the fumes. I saw the litter. Things I never even noticed before. Did I just filter them out? Was I so used to them, they faded into the background?