House of Chains (The Malazan Book of the Fallen #4) 73
There was no point in railing against that. The fisher-girl had no life-skills of a breadth and stature to challenge the assassin’s implacable will. Probably, Crokus had similarly succumbed to Cutter.
She sensed a presence close by her side, and murmured, ‘Would that you had taken all with you when you departed.’
‘You’d rather I left you bereft?’
‘Bereft, Cotillion? No. Innocent.’
‘Innocence is only a virtue, lass, when it is temporary. You must pass from it to look back and recognize its unsullied purity. To remain innocent is to twist beneath invisible and unfathomable forces all your life, until one day you realize that you no longer recognize yourself, and it comes to you that innocence was a curse that had shackled you, stunted you, defeated your every expression of living.’
She smiled in the darkness. ‘But, Cotillion, it is knowledge that makes one aware of his or her own chains.’
‘Knowledge only makes the eyes see what was there all along, Apsalar. You are in possession of formidable skills. They gift you with power, a truth there is little point in denying. You cannot unmake yourself.’
‘But I can cease walking this singular path.’
‘You can,’ he acknowledged after a moment. ‘You can choose others, but even the privilege of choice was won by virtue of what you were-’
‘What you were.’
‘Nor can that be changed. I walked in your bones, your flesh, Apsalar. The fisher-girl who became a woman-we stood in each other’s shadow.’
‘And did you enjoy that, Cotillion?’
‘Not particularly. It was difficult to remain mindful of my purpose. We were in worthy company for most of that time-Whiskeyjack, Mallet, Fiddler, Kalam… a squad that, given the choice, would have welcomed you. But I prevented them from doing so. Necessary, but not fair to you or them.’ He sighed, then continued, ‘I could speak endlessly of regrets, lass, but I see dawn stealing the darkness, and I must have your decision.’
‘My decision? Regarding what?’
‘Cutter.’
She studied the desert, found herself blinking back tears. ‘I would take him from you, Cotillion. I would prevent you doing to him what you did to me.’
‘He is that important to you?’
‘He is. Not to the assassin within me, but to the fisher-girl… whom he does not love.’
‘Doesn’t he?’
‘He loves the assassin, and so chooses to be like her.’
‘I understand now the struggle within you.’
‘Indeed? Then you must understand why I will not let you have him.’
‘But you are wrong, Apsalar. Cutter does not love the assassin within you. It attracts him, no doubt, because power does that… to us all. And you possess power, and that implicitly includes the option of not using it. All very enticing, alluring. He is drawn to emulate what he sees as your hard-won freedom. But his love? Resurrect our shared memories, lass. Of Darujhistan, of our first brush with the thief, Crokus. He saw that we had committed murder, and knew that discovery made his life forfeit in our eyes. Did he love you then? No, that came later, in the hills east of the city-when I no longer possessed you.’
‘Love changes with time-’
‘Aye, it does, but not like a capemoth flitting from corpse to corpse on a battlefield.’ He cleared his throat. ‘Very well, a poor choice of analogy. Love changes, aye, in the manner of growing to encompass as much of its subject as possible. Virtues, flaws, limitations, everything-love will fondle them all, with child-like fascination.’
She had drawn her arms tight about herself with his words. ‘There are two women within me-’
‘Two? There are multitudes, lass, and Cutter loves them all.’
‘I don’t want him to die!’
‘Is that your decision?’
She nodded, not trusting herself to speak. The sky was lightening, transforming into a vast, empty space above a dead, battered landscape. She saw birds climb the winds into its expanse.
Cotillion persisted, ‘Do you know, then, what you must do?’
Once again, Apsalar nodded.
‘I am… pleased.’
Her head snapped round, and she stared into his face, seeing it fully, she realized, for the first time. The lines bracketing the calm, soft eyes, the even features, the strange hatch pattern of scars beneath his right eye. ‘Pleased,’ she whispered, studying him. ‘Why?’
‘Because,’ he answered with a faint smile, ‘I like the lad, too.’