Gardens of the Moon (The Malazan Book of the Fallen #1) 54

“While another part of his mind snapped shut. Young? He'd hear his own harsh, pained laugh. Oh, no, not this lass. She's old. She walked under a blood-red moon in the dawn of time, did this one. Her face is the face of all that cannot be fathomed, and she's looking you in the eye, Whiskeyjack, and you'll never know what she's thinking.

He could feel sweat drain down his face and neck. Nonsense. That part of his mind lost itself to its own terror. It took the unknown and fashioned, in blind desperation, a visage it could recognize. Despair, he told himself, always demands a direction, a focus. Find the direction and the despair goes away.

Of course, it wasn't that easy. The despair he felt had no shape. It was not just Sorry, not just this endless war, not even the treachery from within the Empire. He had nowhere to look for answers, and he was tired of asking questions.

When he had looked upon Sorry at Greydog, the source of his horror lay in the unveiling of what he was becoming: a killer stripped of remorse, armoured in the cold iron of inhumanity, freed from the necessity to ask questions, to seek answers, to fashion a reasonable life like an island in a sea of slaughter.

In the empty eyes of this child, he'd seen the withering of his own soul.

The reflection had been unblemished, with no imperfections to challenge the truth of what he saw.

The sweat running down his back beneath the jerkin felt hot against the chill that gripped him. Whiskeyjack lifted a trembling hand to his forehead. In the days and nights ahead, people would die by his command. He'd been thinking of that as the fruition of his careful, precise planning-success measured by the ratio of the enemy's dead to his own losses. The city-its busy, jostling multitudes unceasing in their lives small and large, cowardly and brave-no more than a gameboard, and the game played solely for the benefit of others. He'd made his plans ~$ it nqd~mS Qf himself was at stake. And yet his friends might die-there, he'd finally called them what they were-and the friends of others might die, and sons, daughters, parents. The roll-call of shattered lives seemed unending.

Whiskeyjack pressed his back against the side-wall in an effort to steady his reeling mind. Desperately, he lifted his gaze from the street. He saw a man at a window on the second floor of the estate. The man was watching them, and his hands were bright red.

Shaken, the sergeant looked away. He bit into the side of his mouth until he felt a sharp stab of pain, then tasted blood. Concentrate, he told himself. Step back from that chasm. Concentrate, or you'll die. And not just you, but also your squad. They trust you to get them out of this.

You've got to keep earning that trust. He drew a deep breath through his nostrils, then turned to one side and spat a mouthful of blood. He stared down at the red-slicked cobble. “There,” he hissed. “It's easy to look at it, isn't it?”

He heard footsteps and looked up to see Hedge and Fiddler arrive.

Both men wore troubled expressions.

“You all right, Sarge?” Fiddler asked quietly. Behind the two saboteurs, Mallet approached, his gaze calculating and fixed on Whiskeyjack's white, sweat-soaked face.

The sergeant grimaced. “We're behind schedule. How much longer?”

Their faces smeared with white dust and sweat, the two men looked at each other, then Hedge answered, “Three hours.”

“We decided on seven mines,” Fiddler said. “Four Sparkers, two Flamers and one Cusser.”

“Will that bring down some of these buildings?” Whiskeyjack asked, avoiding Mallet's eyes.

“Sure. No better way to block an intersection.” Fiddler grinned at his companion.

“You got one in particular you want dropped?” Hedge inquired.

“The estate behind you is an alchemist's.”

“Right,” Hedge said. “That should light the sky all right.”

“You've got two and a half hours,” Whiskeyjack said. “Then it's on to the Majesty Hill crossroads.”

Mallet stepped close. “Another headache?” he asked softly.

Whiskeyjack closed his eyes, then gave a sharp nod.

The healer raised a hand and passed it over the sergeant's brow. “Just easing it a little,” he said.

The sergeant grinned ruefully. “This is getting old, Mallet. You're even using the same words.” A cool numbness flowed through his thoughts.

Mallet's face was drawn. He lowered his hand. “When we have time I'll find the source, Whiskeyjack.”

“Right.” The sergeant smiled. “When we have time.”

“Hope Kal and Quick are doing OK,” Mallet said, turning to watch the street traffic. “You sent Sorry off?”