“Why did you do that?” I put my hand to my mouth.
“It’s just … with what you said earlier, and then seeking me out yesterday … just the way you acted… I thought maybe your feelings had changed. And I like you, I thought you could tell.” He turned to face me. “And… Oh, was it terrible? You don’t look happy at all.”
I tried to wipe whatever expression I had off my face. Maxon looked mortified.
“I’m so sorry. I’ve never kissed anyone before. I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m just… I’m sorry, America.” He breathed a heavy sigh and ran his hand through his hair a few times, leaning against the railing.
I didn’t expect it, but a warmth filled me.
He’d wanted his first kiss to be with me.
I thought about the Maxon I knew now—the man full of compliments, the man prepared to give me the winnings of a bet I lost, the man who forgave me when I hurt him both physically and emotionally—and discovered that I didn’t mind that at all.
Yes, I still had feelings for Aspen. I couldn’t undo that. But if I couldn’t be with him, then what was holding me back from being with Maxon? Nothing more than my preconceived ideas of him, which were nothing close to who he was.
I stepped up to him and rubbed my hand across his forehead.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m erasing that memory. I think we can do better.” I pulled my hand down and propped myself up beside him, facing toward my room. Maxon didn’t move … but he did smile.
“America, I don’t think you can change history.” All the same, his expression looked hopeful.
“Sure we can. Besides, who’d ever know about it but you and me?”
Maxon looked at me for a moment, clearly wondering if this was really okay. Slowly, I saw a cautious confidence creep into his face as he looked into my eyes. We stayed that way for a moment before I could remember just what I had said.
“One can never help being born into perfection,” I whispered.
He came close, wrapping an arm around my waist so that we faced each other. His nose tickled mine. He ran his fingers across my cheek so gently it seemed he was afraid I would break.
“No, I don’t suppose you can,” he breathed.
With his hand holding my face toward his, Maxon lowered his lips to mine and gave me the faintest whisper of a kiss.
Something about the tentativeness of it made me feel beautiful. Without a word, I could understand how excited he was to have this moment, but then afraid at the same time. And deeper than any of that, I sensed that he adored me.
So this was what it felt like to be a lady.
After a moment, he pulled back and asked, “Was that better?”
I could only nod. Maxon looked like he was on the verge of doing a backflip. There was a similar feeling in my chest. That was so unexpected. This was all too quick, too strange. The confusion must have shown on my face, because Maxon got serious.
“May I say something?”
I nodded again.
“I’m not so stupid as to believe that you’ve completely forgotten about your former boyfriend. I know what you’ve gone through and that you’re not exactly here under the normal circumstances. I know you think there are others here more suited for me and this life, and I wouldn’t want you to rush into trying to be happy with any of this. I just… I just want to know if it’s possible…”
It was a hard question to answer. Would I be willing to live a life I’d never wanted? Would I be willing to watch as he kindly tried to date the others to be sure he wasn’t making a mistake? Would I be willing to take on the responsibility that he had as a prince? Would I be willing to love him?
“Yes, Maxon,” I whispered. “It’s possible.”
CHAPTER 19
I TOLD NO ONE WHAT had happened between Maxon and me, not even Marlee or my maids. It felt like a wonderful secret that I could revisit in the middle of one of Silvia’s boring lessons or another long day in the Women’s Room. And to be honest, I thought about our kisses—both the awkward and the sweet—more often than I expected I would.
I knew I wasn’t just going to fall in love with Maxon overnight. I knew my heart wouldn’t let me. But I suddenly found myself in a place where that was something I might want. So I thought about the possibility quietly in my head, though I was tempted to blurt out my secret more than once.
Particularly three days later when Olivia announced to the half-full Women’s Room that Maxon had kissed her.
I couldn’t believe how shattered I felt. I caught myself looking at Olivia and wondering what was so special about her.
“Tell us everything!” Marlee insisted.
Most of the other girls were curious as well, but Marlee was the most enthusiastic. In the short time since she and Maxon had their last date, her interest in everyone else’s progress seemed to be growing. I couldn’t tell what was behind the shift, and I wasn’t quite brave enough to ask.
Olivia didn’t need encouragement. She sat down on one of the couches and fanned out her dress. It looked like she was practicing to be the princess. I felt like telling her that one kiss didn’t mean she was winning.
“I don’t want to go into all the details, but it was quite romantic,” she gushed, tucking her chin into her chest. “He took me to the roof. There’s this place that’s kind of like a balcony, but it looks like it’s used for the guards. I couldn’t tell. We could look out over the wall, and the whole city was just glittering as far as we could see. He didn’t really say anything. He just pulled me in and kissed me.” Her whole body contracted with joy.
Marlee sighed. Celeste looked like she was ready to break something. I sat there.
I kept telling myself that I shouldn’t care so much, that this was all part of the Selection. And who’s to say that I’d really want to end up with Maxon anyway? Honestly, I ought to consider myself lucky. It was clear Celeste’s malice had a new target, and after that whole episode with my dress—which I realized I’d forgotten to mention to Maxon—I was glad to see her move on.
“Do you think she’s the only one he’s kissed?” Tuesday whispered in my ear. Kriss, who was standing beside me, heard her concerns and piped in.
“He wouldn’t just kiss anyone. She must be doing something right,” Kriss lamented.
“What if he’s kissed half the room and people are keeping quiet about it? Maybe it’s part of their strategy,” Tuesday wondered.
