I growl, "Where is he going? Is he coming with us?"
He shakes his head and gulps.
I sit back and look at Shell. She looks upset. She knows and hasn’t told me. My stomach is in a ball. He's leaving for somewhere without me? I've made a mistake. I was trying to be stronger than I am. He's leaving me. He's choosing survival over me. Like I did.
Stuart pulls up to the departures, "We'll get your shit, just run." I leap over Lyle and run into the airport.
I pull my phone out and text while I run.
'Where r u?'
I run faster until I get to the check-in area and I'm not sure which way to go. I am standing looking at the departure gates screen when my phone vibrates.
'Please text like an adult. R U? Really?"
I start to laugh.
'Look behind you.'
I turn and smile. He's standing against the pillar with the posters of the missing kids. It's weird and delightful.
I leap at him. His arms wrap around me, pulling me into him. I tilt my face up. He kisses and holds me like we are paused.
I melt into him.
"Where are you going?" I ask against his mouth.
"To live with some mean-ass nuns for a while."
I laugh into his face and cry, "A year?"
He kisses my forehead and grins, "You said it was what I needed. I don’t think it'll be a year. A few months though. I can't take too long from work."
I pull back and look at him, "I didn’t think you'd take me seriously."
He arches a dark eyebrow, "I take everything you say seriously. Well, when you speak like adult."
I bite my lip. I'm panicking inside, "Are you calling my bluff? I don’t want you to go. I want to come or you to stay."
He laughs and grabs my hands, "Sarah, I need this. I need to see with the perspective you have. There are people who have it worse and I need to be grateful for what I have. You were right. My environment wasn't a great way to grow up after everything else."
"Where are you going?"
"South America."
I laugh, "Armani in South America?"
He laughs and squeezes me, "I went to a strange store called Cabela and bought all the beige and khaki I could find."
I laugh and rest my head against his chest again. "What if we lose each other?"
He kisses the top of my head, "I will always find you."
I smile and close my eyes and make myself feel everything about the moment. I'm going to need it.
"I never imagined you would take my advice. I'm twenty. What do I know?"
He pulls back my face, "A lot. Now, stay close to your brothers and please for the love of god, don’t go out without them. Stay in Boston or Chicago with family and friends. Keep training with Angelo and don’t let him kiss you, he'll suck your whole damned face in." I make a face. He laughs, "I knew a girl who dated him."
"I'm going to miss you." The tears are there before I can stop them.
He brushes them away, "I need this. I need to stop myself from obsessing where you are at every moment. I need to trust you."
I shake my head, "You don’t have anything to prove. You don’t need to be a hero there. You are my hero already. You can learn to trust me here. I'm fine I swear."
He shakes his head, "I'm not. You were right."
I hate being right. I hate this moment. I hate that I see he needs this.
He cocks an eyebrow, "Behave yourself and I expect Facetime dates frequently." He chooses to ignore my hero comment. "They're going to call my flight and I haven’t even gotten through security."
I grip him. "Don’t leave me."
He kisses my lips, "Never again. This isn’t me leaving you. This is me choosing you." He throws my words back at me.
He kisses me once more and then pushes of. He leaves and doesn’t look back. I fight the urge to run after him.
I grip my phone and watch him until I can't see him anymore. Then I send a text, 'I'm grateful for you.'
I hear footsteps and turn to see the rest of them have caught up to me. Shell grips my shoulders, "You okay?"
I slump and shake my head. "My heart just left for South America."
Lyle and Jake join the hug. I'm squished in amongst them all. It's not enough but it's more than I could have ever asked for.
Jake grips my arm, "You can be sad on the plane. Come on, time to go."
We fly home. I'm heartbroken and excited simultaneously.
Home.
It's a weird word for me. I have not seen the house since I left it to go to the hospital. Apparently I was wearing pink pajamas and clutching a bear with a pink ribbon. The bear was my favorite toy.
Dad is at the airport when we get there. He hugs me hard, like he's going to break my back.
We leave for the car, hugging and sniffling. That’s apparently my family's thing. We cry and hug a lot. But the sweetness of it is better than anything I've ever experienced.
Chicago is amazing. We…yes we…I have a we…we live on the outskirts in a suburb. I look around, nervously, as we drive into a community. He drives the rented minivan up a street that takes my breath away.
"You sure we have enough room at the house?" I ask.
Dad nods, "Plenty of room."
We drive onto a neighborhood like I have never seen before. It's like out of a movie. The houses are massive, not mansions, but huge. Each one has a private driveway and a huge yard. We pull into one with bricks and bushes and windows with the white shutters I always dreamt of.
I wish he were with me to see it. Seeing it is like seeing the finish line in a race I was certain would kill me.
She is at the front door smiling, looking like a mom. She has a sweater on with the ruffled edges of a blouse sticking out the top. My face splits into a smile when I see her. Her blonde hair shines in the brightness of the spring day. It glistens.
We get out of the van with stretches and nudges. Jake shoves me and Lyle shoves him. I grin at them both and wish I could have known them when we were little. Not that it's too late. It isn’t. It's just hard not to daydream about how fantastic it would have been to be wrestled and attacked, with love and brotherly affection. Jake grabs my head and bends me forward. He grips my head and gives me a fake backbreaker. I flip him the way Lance showed me. He's on his back, laughing and shaking his head.
"You know better than to give her an inch." Lyle crosses his arms.
They both know better. They spar with me all the time. Not that I'm good, but I'm better and I cheat.
We've been play fighting for two months. It's been a good way to get to know each other. Moving into a condo altogether last week was an even better way. Shell and I jumped at the chance. No more communal showers or crappy kitchen. Plus it stopped them from coming to the dorms every other minute. They're worse than Eli when it comes to surveillance and protection. I seriously think some of the other students think I'm protected by the Secret Service.
Mom shouts, "Get in here you guys." The boys jump up and grab all our bags. They don’t carry mine but they take Shell's.
I stand there affronted by it, until Shell beams, "My brothers do the same thing to me."
I like that.
I grab my bag but Dad grabs it and wraps an arm around me, "Welcome home, Sarah."
"Thanks Dad."
I have sworn I won't cry. We've been talking everyday on Facetime and text, but I think I will have that vow broken before Mom even gets a hug in.
I climb the steps and a huge weights lift from my shoulders. Mom grabs me and pulls me into her. The house smells like gingerbread and at the top of the hardwood stairs I see a black and white cat.
My mouth is hanging open.
"Kitty, or as you referred to her, Titty, is fifteen in a couple months. She was tiny when you…well she was tiny then," Dad says and looks at Mom I walk past them and hold my hand out. The black and white cat rubs against my fingers. I pick her up and smell her neck fur. She smells the same. I swear she does. She purrs instantly and I grip her, probably too hard, but I can't help it.
Mom grabs my arm and leads me up the stairs. She takes me to a room and opens the door. It's cold and stale inside. It's a small girl's room. Ponies and rainbows and a small bed with a Strawberry Shortcake blanket make the room cluttered and homey. It doesn’t look like they have changed a single thing since the day I left. I stroke Kitty and wonder how hard it must have been to have such a constant reminder.
My vow is broken instantly.
It took me fourteen years to find my way, but I am home.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
His face is dirty and tired, but I've never been more in love with him. He points with the child at the screen. It fuzzes out but then I can see them again. She is beautiful and frightened.
I wave, my family is behind me. We wave.
"We miss you son." Dad shouts.
Eli grins, his icy-blue eyes kill me. "Her name is Arielle. She's seven. We saved her. The river near their home flooded. They were trapped." He doesn’t say anything else. He doesn’t need to I get the gist of it.
I laugh, "Hi Arielle!" I wave. She looks frightened. "Your name is very pretty." She bats her eyelashes and looks down. I look back at him, "Did your khaki's get wet?"
His eyes flash something. I see it in his eyes. It's a flash of something I've seen before. It's terror. "They did." He licks his lips.
I feel the fear cross my own face, "You be safe."
He nods and swallows, "We're being careful."
"I mean it. You've been there four days. How can you be so careless so quickly?"
His lips are playful again, "Yes mother."
My Mom leans over me, "She's right, Eli. Be safe. We miss you honey."
I love it. They love him. They don’t really know him, not the dark and scary parts, but then again they don’t know those places in me. Only he does. Only he has seen the darkness. Only he embraces the darkness inside of me and turns it into love and light.
