I force a smile, then push in the clutch and shove the shifter into first. Danny’s in his Challenger to the side of us and he throttles up his engine. I return it, pressing the gas down so hard the car vibrates from the rumble of the engine. Then Danny’s girlfriend comes strutting up between the cars. There’s a rule that the girlfriend of the instigator of the race has to start the race. When I do it, I always have to pick some random girl from out of the crowd, because I’ve never had a girlfriend—never wanted one. I’ve tried to get Ella to do it a few times, but she always rejects me, saying it’s a sexist rule, when really I think she’s worried people will start to think we’re dating, even though a lot of people do already.
“You know you can always tell me to slow down,” I tell her, letting her know she’s safe. “If you get scared.”
“You know I don’t get scared.” She slips her shoes off and props her feet onto the dash for support.
The way she looks so comfortable makes me grin. “I know, but I always want to make sure.”
Seconds later, Danny’s girlfriend throws down her arms, and just like that we’re off, kicking up a large cloud of dust that smothers the audience. The longer we drive, the more relaxed Ella becomes, her head falling back against the headrest and she looks so relaxed as she shuts her eyes and breathes in the cool air blowing through the window. She looks so beautiful at that moment, so touchable, so fucking perfect, and I almost forget I’m racing.
Then I glance to the road and realize the Challenger has died in the middle of the road and we’re about to slam into it. “Shit,” I mutter and one of the gears grinds as I downshift and the tires skid in the dirt, the car swerving a little. I know if I don’t get control of the car something bad could easily happen. It’s not the first time this sort of thing has happened, but Ella is always the first thing to come to mind, which makes it more important for me to regain control.
“Micha…” Ella says as I crane the wheel to the side and downshift again.
The car fishtails, the back end winding a curvy path against the dirt as we swerve to the right. I hold my breath as we veer sharply around the Challenger and just about over-correct, but I use force to straighten the wheel out. I get it under control, but there’s little time for a celebration as the end of the road appears.
“Damn it.” I jerk on the e-brake and the tires screech.
We spin out of control, the engine making a lot of noises, but I get everything under control and in the end we’re racing back toward the finish line.
I release a breath as I floor the car, even though the Challenger is still stalled.
“Faster or slower?” I ask Ella playfully, because I’ve pretty much won the race.
She grips onto the door handle. “Faster of course.”
I grin because I’m not surprised by her answer and she laughs as I slam my foot on the gas pedal. The trees and dark sky blur by as the headlights light up the dirt road ahead of us. I shift gears, increasing the speed, and people scatter out of the way, worried I’m going to lose control because sometimes it happens. But I easily make it over the finish line, winning, and Ella looks so happy that it makes all the tension between us dissipate.
I smile this really stupid, goofy smile that makes Ella giggle and then I lean my head back against the seat, relaxing for the first time tonight. “Fuck, I thought I was totally going to slam into the back end of him for a moment,” I say with a laugh.
“I didn’t,” she says and I turn my head and give her a doubtful look, but still smile. “What? I knew you had him.”
“We had him,” I say. “And we have one hundred bucks to split.” I get really excited over the fact that I just won and she’s with me and she’s smiling, which was sort of the whole point of the night anyway. “Fuck, fuck, fuck,” I say, amped up as I pound on the steering wheel.
She snorts a laugh. “You’re such a goofball.” She laughs a little more and I swear to God the sound of it is the most amazing thing I’ve ever heard. Rare and beautiful and it makes me want to touch her so fucking much. Without even thinking, as if it’s the most natural thing in the world, I lean over the console and pull her into a hug.
For a second, I worry she’s going to flip out on me because she hates getting hugged but she’s happy enough at the moment that she hugs me back and I can’t help but breathe in the sent of her. It’s intoxicating, along with her warmth and, God, I get so swept away in her, wanting to touch her, kiss her, be inside her. Before I even know what I’m doing, I tilt my head to the side and press my lips to hers. I don’t even know why I do it—I’m usually more careful—but I slip up and I know it the second our lips touch and she tenses, sucking in a sharp breath.
I panic and before she can say anything, I pull back and get out of the car. I’ve seriously fucked up, not just because I know she’s going to be upset with me, but because I took a happy moment and ruined it.
Shit.
I procrastinate as long as I can, celebrating and collecting my money from Danny and then we chat a little while about cars and other stupid shit, but I barely pay attention, distracted by the lingering sensation of Ella’s warm lips on mine. Yeah, I know I messed up but, God, the taste of her was so incredible.
Ella sits in the Chevelle for what seems like forever and then she finally gets out and goes and hangs with Renee and Kelly, even though she doesn’t really like Renee. Ella was obviously in a bad mood when I’d woken her up from her nap earlier, but my kissing her only made it worse.
As I’m chatting with Danny, Trixie something-or-other comes up behind me and whispers in my ear that we should go to my car and hang out alone. I briefly consider it, but all I can think about is Ella and I know it’s time to go face her wrath. I decline Trixie’s offer and walk up to Ethan’s truck, where Ella’s sitting on the tailgate arguing with him, while Renee and Kelly share a bottle of vodka.
“Knock it off.” Ella puts her hands on her hips, giving Ethan the death glare. “You’re trying to pick a fight with me.”
Ethan shakes his head as he takes a swig of beer. “Bullshit. You’re just in a pissy mood as usual.”
“Hey, you ready to go?” I interrupt, playfully nudging Ella’s foot with mine like nothing happened, like we didn’t just kiss.
“If you are,” Ella replies, her expression undecipherable, so I have no idea what the hell she’s thinking. She jumps off the tailgate and walks past a row of cars, heading to the Chevelle parked over by a tree. She’s wearing a pair of cutoffs and it’s hard not to stare at her ass the entire time. I know if she looks back and catches me checking her out things will only get worse, but I take the risk and only look away from her when she gets into the car.
“Good luck with that.” Ethan rolls his eyes as Renee hands him the bottle of vodka. “What the hell did you do to her? She’s even bitchier than she normally is.”
I release an uneasy breath. “I fucked up,” I say and then turn for the car, feeling bad about kissing her, but the way she tasted was so fucking mind-blowing, it makes it hard to regret.
I prepare myself before I pull open the car door and climb inside with her. I slam the door and the soundlessness that follows is unnerving.
“Do you want me to drive slow or fast back home?” I try to make light as I put the keys in the ignition and turn over the engine.
She slowly turns her head toward me. “I thought we were going to our spot?” she asks, surprising me. I’d honestly thought that idea had gone out the window for tonight because I thought she’d be too pissed off.
I shove the shifter into drive and tap on the gas while pushing down on the brake, revving the engine. “You still want to go?”
She shrugs as I turn the headlights on, lighting up the trees in front of us. “If you still want to go.” Her eyes are unreadable in the dark, but I can tell by the silent plea in her tone that she doesn’t want to go home.
“Of course I do,” I tell her and then I release the brake and peel out onto the road. “I was just making sure you still do.”
“You said I had to,” she reminds me. “That you weren’t going to let me sulk around at my house all night.”
“I know… but I’m giving you an out.” As a sorry-for-kissing-you-even-though-I’m-not-really-sorry.
“I don’t want an out.” She stares out the window with her arms crossed over her chest. She has the same tank top on as the one she was wearing when I woke her up, only she put a bra on so sadly I can’t see the outline of her nipples anymore. But I do notice how forcefully her chest is moving up and down. She’s anxious and I don’t think it’s just because of the kiss. In fact, whatever is making her anxious now is probably the thing that had her sleeping in her bed at three o’clock in the afternoon.
I don’t saying anything else and drive in the direction of our spot, a secluded area in the middle of the trees beside the lake. By the time we get there it’s past midnight and Ella’s drifting off to sleep. I park the car not too far away from the water, and then silence the engine but leave the headlights on.
Ella blinks and sits up, quiet for a while as she stares out at the water. Finally she reaches her arm across the console and turns the key back over, so the battery turns on. Then she picks up the iPod from the dashboard and turns on some Spill Canvas, before getting out of the car. She treads up to the shore, stopping just before she arrives at the water, then crosses her arms and looks up at the stars, her hair blowing in the light summer breeze.
I climb out of the car and cautiously walk up to the side of her. The moonlight reflects in her eyes as she bites on her bottom lip, refusing to look at me. I consider saying sorry for kissing her, but it’d be a lie and I hate fucking lying to her.
“My mom had one of her episodes today,” she says quietly, breaking the silence as she hugs herself. “She was looking for a picture of when we all went to the beach, even though we never have. I spent all day looking for it, even though I knew I’d never find it and finally I had to just lie to her and tell her I think I lost the photo, so she’d let it go.” She closes her eyes and breathes in deep. “And I was so glad when she finally fell asleep… so fucking relieved. I’m the worst daughter in the world.”
