She took a moment to absorb that, then said, “No wonder he won’t have a close relationship…”
“There are a lot of things that can screw a guy up, but Luke had a full menu. It wasn’t just a bad marriage, Shelby, but everything, with a no-good cheating wife in the middle of it. It took a couple of years for him to get straightened out. He changed everything—he stopped being calculating and just took too many chances, and he moved real fast. It turned out he couldn’t give up women, but he seemed to give up attachments.”
She tilted her head. “That explains so much,” she said. “He told me he didn’t fall in love, went through women like a shark goes through scuba divers….”
Aiden smiled. “That sounds like Luke.”
“I absolutely believed him,” she said. “I thought I could handle that. And then I stupidly thought something was different for him with me. That’s where I screwed up.” She took a breath. “I must have blown his mind with that talk about children….”
“What talk was that?” he asked.
“I told him that I wanted a committed partner, at least one child. He said it was never going to happen with him, but I thought…” She shrugged.
“He’s been saying that for quite a while. Maybe he believes it by now, but when he thought he had a child coming, I never saw a happier man. I’m sorry he lost that.”
“He made the excuse he was too old. I guess if he trusted me, he could have told me about his marriage, his reasons, given us a chance to work through it…”
“Yeah, well, he has a lot of denial about that. And, by the things he said, it sounded like he started out protecting himself, but later in your relationship, he was protecting you.”
“Me?”
“He told me about your mother, about how dedicated you were for a few years, that you didn’t have any real freedom… My condolences, by the way.”
“Thanks. Maybe you’ll understand this, since you’re a doctor—Luke sure doesn’t get it. It wasn’t a sacrifice. I wasn’t held hostage. I was doing exactly what I wanted to do. I was very close to my mother. Helping someone close the door on this world and move on to the next—it’s very special. Intimate. I wasn’t giving anything up—I was getting something most people will never experience.”
He smiled at her. “That’s a pretty remarkable take on things.”
“I’m not remarkable,” she said with a self-effacing smile. “I was in a support group and learned an awful lot.”
“You’ve had some tough blows in the last year,” he said. “First, losing your mother. Then Luke.”
Her eyes became moist, but she held steady. “I don’t regret what I gave either one, Aiden. I wouldn’t change any of it. I would never have left my mom in someone else’s care. I couldn’t help falling in love with Luke.” She gave a tremulous smile. “I knew almost right away, he should be the one. My first love.”
Aiden touched the hand that rested on her knee. “You never fell in love like that before, I guess.”
“I never fell in love at all,” she said. “It wasn’t very long after high school that my life got pretty isolated, and I wasn’t one of the girls who got around a lot in high school. Luke was right about one thing—I haven’t lived much in those ways. I could’ve stumbled onto some insensitive jerk, but it was Luke. He was so good to me, so tender, so wonderful. I can’t regret that,” she said, shaking her head. “Much as it hurts now, I wouldn’t take away one day with him. When he said he wanted to keep it just between us because it was so special, I guess I started to think his pattern of never getting involved could change…with me….”
“Just between you?” Aiden asked in spite of himself.
“That he was the first one. Ever.” She dropped her gaze. “The way I feel, he’s probably going to be the only one. Ever.”
Aiden was silent, looking at her sweet face, stunned. After what Luke had been through with his wife, he stumbled onto someone pure? Untouched? Oh, man, no wonder he was so screwed up. He must have glimpsed a kind of impossible dream—a sweet and good woman who could be trusted, who would belong only to him. “Oh, Jesus,” Aiden said, hanging his head. “No wonder this is so bad….”
“Huh?”
“Shelby, the girl he married—she was about the furthest thing from a virgin a guy can get. She was a sexy little flirt. She’d been around, and apparently never stopped getting around. You gotta imagine—Luke must have been thinking that if that one hurt, if something like that happened with you, it would kill him.”
She shook her head. “I can’t believe he ever thought I’d be like that….”
“I think it’s time for us to have that Bloody Mary,” Aiden said. “Take a walk on the beach. Then dinner.”
When Aiden left in the morning to go to the airport, she hugged him goodbye like an old friend. They had talked the rest of the afternoon, through dinner, and then sat on the beach in the moonlight until very late. Most of that time was focused on Luke and her relationship with him, but also on the other brothers and Aiden’s movement through medical school and practice, aboard ship and at naval bases and Camp Pendleton. And he learned about her childhood, her mother, the rest of her family, her love for the mountains and rivers, the horses, the quiet tranquility of Virgin River. They became good friends.
“I’ve had the strangest thought,” she told Aiden as he stood by his cab.
“What’s that, sweetheart?”
“Luke’s trying to rescue me by letting me go. He doesn’t want me to sacrifice anything, to give up anything, to settle. But really, he’s a mess. He’s the one who needs to be rescued.”
Aiden laughed. “Yeah, maybe. But since he’ll never admit it, it’s probably impossible.”
“Take care of him, Aiden,” she said as he got in his cab at the hotel.
“I’ll do what I can,” he said. “Will you go to San Francisco now?”
“I might take another week. Really, there’s no big hurry for me to get there. I just felt like I had to be moving on, to be doing something. It’s strange how long it takes to forget.”
“You don’t forget, Shelby. You just adapt.”
She laughed softly. “Thank you, Aiden. For coming all the way here just to talk to me. You don’t realize how much it mattered, helped.”
“I hope so, Shelby. Luke’s right about one thing—you’re special. Best of luck.”
“Same to you.”
Luke was sitting in front of his fireplace, feet up, listening to a CD while looking off at nothing in particular, when headlights dashed across his living-room window. It was wet out there; he wasn’t expecting anyone. He looked at his watch; it was eight o’clock. If this was another brother or, worse, his mother, he wasn’t going to be able to control himself. He’d been answering the phone, for God’s sake. He hadn’t been conversational, but he’d answered. It was still a little raw, this thing with Shelby, but he was making progress. He slept now at least….
He opened the door and saw the Jeep. She stood in front of it, leaning against the hood, arms crossed over her chest, getting wet in the freezing drizzle. His heart lurched. Almost three weeks since he’d seen her and his feelings hadn’t given him a break. He still wanted her so bad it hurt.
“You never told me about Felicia,” she yelled at him.
“That was a long time ago,” he said loudly. “How do you know?”
“Never mind. Didn’t you trust me enough to tell me?”
“It was years ago,” he said. “It had nothing to do with anything.” He took a step onto the porch. “I didn’t hear anything about you coming back.”
“No one knows I’m here,” she said. “Do you think I’ll be as bad as she was, is that it?”
“No. I know better than that. You think I’m the best you can do?”
She shrugged. Her hair was getting wet; her cheeks glistened. “What if you are? How did I screw up? I thought I showed you I knew exactly what I wanted. You think I’m fickle? That I’m too young and too stupid to know whether I really love someone?”
“You’re not stupid— I never thought that. Young, maybe.”
“Oh—you thought it was puppy love?”
“No, sir,” he said. “Nothing puppy about it. Come out of the rain.”
“No. Not until a couple of things are settled. If we can’t come to terms, I’ll go to the general’s. But I’m not moving to San Francisco—I don’t want to be there. I’ve never lived in a big city and I don’t like them that much. What I like is here.”
“Come up on the porch at least and we’ll talk. Out of the wet and cold…”
“No,” she said, holding her ground. “Maybe I expected too much too fast, but you expected too little. I don’t want another man’s hands on me. Ever. This is where the only hands I ever want are. Yours. Only yours.”
He couldn’t help but smile at her, standing so proudly, so stubbornly in the rain, arms crossed over her chest. “Then why did you go? I never minded putting my hands all over you.”
“I needed a tan. And I thought you didn’t love me. I want more than this—I want the whole deal. I want a child someday. It doesn’t have to be soon—but I want a child, at least one, and it has to have a father, and that’s a deal breaker.”
He tipped back his head with a laugh. “Who do you think you are? Deal breaker?”
“I think I’m the only woman you’ve loved in forever. And you were going to pitch me out that fast, just because I make you nervous. I thought you didn’t trust me, but now I think you don’t trust yourself.” She shook her head. “I don’t want a man like that. I need a man with guts, who’s sure of himself. Confident enough to stand by me. I need a man who’s not afraid to take a risk or two for something important.”
“I’ve taken a risk or two,” he said. “And you don’t scare me. Come up here on the porch.”
“No. Not until you say that if we stay solid, there will be a real relationship and a family. I don’t want any of this ‘I don’t get involved’ shit. It’s all crap, Luke. You can have some time to be sure, I’m patient. But I’m not giving you up.”
He smiled at her. “I don’t need time to be sure. I know how I feel.”
“Still on that? Still that ‘never gonna happen’ bullshit?”
“Okay, I guess it could happen,” he said. “If it did happen, it would happen with you. I just always thought you deserved more.”
“More than everything I’ve ever wanted in the world? See what an idiot you turned out to be?”
He had to laugh. She was something, this woman. “Shelby, come here. I don’t have to think about it—you’re the most solid thing I’ve ever had in my life. Now come here.”
“I thought I wasn’t enough for you—but I was too much,” she said. “And you don’t get to decide what I deserve. What I deserve is a man who looks at me grow fat on his baby and feels pride. Love and pride.”
“Okay then,” he said. “I love you. Come here.”
“Not good enough. You have to say something to convince me this is worth the gamble. I came a long way and I came alone. I was betting on you, on us. I love you and you love me and I’m sick of screwing around. Say the right thing for once. Say something profound.”
He stared at her and his smile slowly faded. He put his hands on his hips. He took a deep breath and felt tears gather in his eyes. “You’re all I need to be happy, Shelby,” he said. “You’re everything I need…”
