“You went up against Arsinöe and freed an entire bloodline. That qualifies as madness, I think, but here you stand.”
His eyes flashed. “I was coerced. I didn’t run off to risk my life voluntarily. And I wasn’t alone.”
“I won’t be either.”
“Damn it, Ariane! I thought last night meant that you were done with this nonsense, that we could move on to just enjoying one another!”
“At your leisure,” Ariane said. “When you aren’t risking your own life for profit. I don’t expect you to change for me, Damien, and I realize that you have obligations because of what you are. But if this is going to work at all, you need to understand that I have obligations too. To what I am, who I am.”
“Bull,” Damien shot back. “This isn’t an obligation, it’s a choice, and a bloody stupid one. If you were so keen to run off and kill yourself, why did you even bother last night? Why take my mark if you were just going to throw it away?”
Ariane looked at him helplessly, knowing she was losing him. This was a rift she didn’t have time to repair. All she could do was hope that the truth was enough to keep him.
“Because I love you,” she said, and though her voice was quiet, the words seemed to fill the room.
Damien stared at her. “You…”
“I love you,” Ariane said again, relieved that she’d finally said the words even as she watched Damien shrinking back behind the shield he’d carried for so long. She knew then that he was going to walk away. Her throat constricted.
No, damn it. I will not cry.
“You can’t possibly love me,” Damien said, his voice hoarse.
“I can, and I do,” Ariane replied, her eyes never leaving his, willing him to let her back in, just a little.
“But I’m wretched.”
“Sometimes. But you’re also warm, and funny, and sweet. You’re honorable in your own twisted way. And even when you’re awful, you’re interesting about it.” Her voice gentled. “I know you want me here, safe and tucked away and completely separate from the parts of your life you don’t want me to see. But I’m not one of your prizes, tucked into that apartment you never visit. I can’t be happy that way. I want to see things. I want to live. I’m not interested in being left behind anymore.”
Standing there, in the middle of the room, he looked both beautiful and desolate. She’d hit him with a lot at once, Ariane knew. But he hadn’t given her much of a choice. And maybe… maybe it was better this way. Better to lay it all out and let the chips fall where they may.
Even if the end result was painful for them both.
“I’m giving you what I can, Ariane. It’s more than I’ve given anyone else. Try and understand that. There are parts of me, of my life, that—” He stopped, scrubbed a hand over his face, and tried again. “I don’t know that I can give you what you’re asking.”
She knew he wasn’t going to say the words she’d hoped for. He wasn’t ready. Maybe he would never be. But Ariane refused to let him go without the full knowledge of what he was walking away from. Maybe, in time, it would be strong enough to bring him back. If she was here to come back to.
“I don’t need you to be perfect, Damien,” she said. “I just need you.”
Ariane saw his defenses waver, just for an instant. Then a car horn sounded outside, and all her hopes crumbled into dust.
Damien closed his eyes. Took a breath. And turned to pick up the duffel bag.
“I have to go, kitten,” he said. The anger was gone from his voice, but so was everything else. He sounded tired.
“Damien…”
He turned and looked at her, his eyes so full of longing that it made her ache. And still, she couldn’t hold him.
“I can’t, darling. Not now. I just… I have to go. Take care of yourself, then, and…”
He stopped, shook his head, turned. And in seconds, he was gone, slipping out the door and out of her life as though he’d been nothing more than a shadow. Ariane sat very still as she listened to the car idling outside. As she heard the door slam and the sound of the car move away from the house.
Only then did she let herself break, the tears falling silently in the dark.
Things had changed so much, and yet she felt as though she were right back where she’d begun.
Alone.
Chapter Twenty-TwO
THE SKY WAS beginning to turn gray by the time she’d passed the guards to knock at the door.
Vlad answered, looking charmingly rumpled. He’d probably had his nose stuck in a book and forgotten the time. He was prone to doing that. He also appeared to be wearing a smoking jacket, a thing that struck her as funny and nearly sent her into hysterical giggles. She swallowed them back, sensing that they would quickly turn to tears, and she’d had enough of those on the way here.
She’d been holding it together. Somehow, she’d made it through last night, feigning indifference to Damien’s sudden departure even though she’d seen Lyra shooting her sympathetic glances all evening. Everything was fine; everything was normal. She’d been good at pretending that once, able to smile and look serene even during her darkest moments among the Grigori. But Damien had ripped a hole in her, leaving a wound she had no idea how to heal. She’d waited centuries to be able to really give her heart to someone… and he’d rejected it.
If she got through the next forty-eight hours in one piece, Ariane supposed she would find a way to live with it. If she hadn’t broken after all these years, she wouldn’t now. But this kind of hurt, this raw, endless pain, was new to her.
He was gone. Damien had gone, and she doubted he was coming back. He’d turned himself into a fortress even she couldn’t breach, and there was nothing to be done for it. She’d tried.
“Ariane!” Vlad said, his pleasure at seeing her obvious. “I wasn’t sure when to expect you.” He peered up at the sky. “You’re cutting it a bit close. I would have sent the jet for you, but when I spoke with Jaden, he insisted—”
“I wanted to fly myself,” Ariane said, attempting a smile. “I love the night air. And it’s good to stretch my wings.”
Mainly, she had just wanted to be alone. Unfortunately, though she’d stretched her wings, she hadn’t cleared her head.
Vlad was eyeing her with interest. She knew he wanted to prod her about her wings, having only caught a glimpse of them the night Oren had attacked her. Normally, she would have been amused. He was too polite to come right out and ask her to unfurl them, but she knew he desperately wanted to. And at some point, she would show him. He’d been too kind to deny him something so simple, and considering all that was happening, she doubted that any of her kind’s secrets would be staying that way for long. But right now, she felt only a bone-deep weariness that had leeched all the enjoyment out of everything. She couldn’t even bring herself to be nervous about all that lay ahead tomorrow night at the meeting, though that would likely change.
“Well, come in, please,” Vlad said after studying her face closely. “I know it’s only been a few days, but it’s been so much quieter since you and Damien left.” He stepped aside as Ariane walked in past him, and she could feel his eyes on her, searching. She looked away. He was a very perceptive man… and she was a poor liar.
“How is… everything? I assume Sammael is on his way as well?”
“He is,” Ariane said. “We left at the same time, just going different directions. He seemed to think he would make it tonight, but…” She trailed off and shrugged. Sam, it had become increasingly clear, had abilities far beyond anything she’d suspected. She had hated to see him go, when neither of them was sure what he would be walking back into.
He hadn’t asked about Damien, seeming satisfied only that the Shade had gone. Ariane had kept her mark covered and said nothing. Despite their bond, she knew Sam had very clear limitations when it came to understanding or even picking up on feelings. And there was no way he would understand this.
“And how is Damien?” Vlad pressed, shutting the door behind them. “I half expected to see him walking in behind you.”
Ariane looked at Vlad, at the sympathy in his eyes, and saw that he knew. Without saying a word, he’d figured out that Damien had left her. He’d probably even expected it. No one appeared to have been surprised… except her.
She’d expected more of him. And she’d been bitterly disappointed.
“He… he had a job. Somewhere. I’m not sure. It all happened very fast.”
“Ah, I see. That’s fairly typical,” Vlad said, his voice gentle. He tilted his head down, just a little, those crystalline eyes missing nothing. “Are you all right, Ariane?”
“I’m… yes. No. I don’t know.”
The whole sorry mess began to tumble out of her mouth, and whether it was fatigue or simply hitting her breaking point emotionally, Ariane was powerless to stop it. When she finally stopped for breath, it occurred to her that she had just unloaded all of her problems, in an opulent foyer, on the leader of one of the most powerful vampire dynasties in the world. It didn’t make her feel much better, but Vlad, to his credit, did not run away.
“Well,” he said. “So. You two… erm… bit one another.”
“Yes.”
“And then Drake called, and you had an argument.”
“Yes.”
“And then he told you he can’t love you, although he would like to buy you a house.”
“Basically.”
Vlad rubbed the back of his neck, looking distinctly uncomfortable. “This really isn’t my area, though you’ve certainly got my sympathy. He is a difficult creature, Ariane.”
She sighed, feeling her eyes begin to water again. “I know.”
Vlad put a comforting arm around her shoulders, a rare show of physical affection from a man who seemed almost ruthlessly self-contained. “Here, let’s get you upstairs. We’ve a great deal to do tomorrow night, and at this point, rest is the most important thing for you.” He ushered her quickly upstairs, to a room that was neat as a pin and blissfully devoid of any of Damien’s things. She stepped inside, knowing she was just going to collapse on the bed and pass out without undressing.
