I was having a hard time breathing but I was so focused on what she was saying that it didn’t seem to matter. “When Remy brought Shaw home I was so excited. He hadn’t ever shown any interest in any other girl meanwhile your dad caught at least a girl a week sneaking out of your window and we were starting to put the pieces together about him. I was convinced he was just waiting for the right girl and Shaw had it all, she’s lovely, well educated, comes from money it never occurred to me that she was too delicate, too broken down by her own family to be with someone as gentle and sweet as Remy. She needed someone strong, someone not afraid of all things that tormented her day in and day out so of course she picked you, she’s loved you forever. I saw it, your dad saw it and even with that we let Remy use her and snow everyone into thinking they were an item because it was just easier than dealing with the truth.”
She stopped fidgeting with her cup and met my stunned gaze. She had tears in her eyes which were nothing new, but these ones for once seemed generated by actual regret not overbearing anger and blame directed at me.
“The night of Remy’s accident he called me. I knew he was on his way to pick you up and I told him not to go, that you were a grown man that could find his own way home. He got really mad at me, told me I needed to get over whatever it was that kept me from embracing you, from loving you as openly and fully as I loved him. I got angry back and told him he had no place to lecture me on how I interacted with you if he was going to keep living a lie. We had a huge fight, it was ugly and I threatened him. I told him I was going to let you and Rome know exactly who their brother was and he freaked out. He hung up and left to get you and those were the last words I said to my baby.”
She was crying openly now and all I could do was sit there and let everything she said flow over me. “I said it should have been you; put all my grief and responsibility on your shoulders because I was too weak to be accountable for my part in what happened to Remy. Out of all of us you’re the strongest, you’re the one that handled it the best and it was easier to blame you than look at you and realize what I had done. You never loved me the way Remy did and the farther away I pushed you the easier it was to feel less guilt. I’m sorry I did it, you never deserved it. I felt like you were already lost to me so the idea of losing you wasn’t as crippling as it was with Rome, but I realize now you were never lost I had just shoved you as far and as hard away as I could because of what may or may not happen and that’s not healthy or acceptable.”
We sat in silence while I tried to work through all of it. I couldn’t just accept her apology, too much time and too many hurtful words and actions had been exchanged for that, but I could recognize that we were all human and prone to making careless mistakes with people that we cared about and try and work towards a resolution from there.
“That’s a lot to take in mom and I’m not sure what you expect from me after telling me all that.”
She swiped at her cheeks with the back of her hand and gave me a rueful grin. “I don’t expect anything but I do want you to know that your dad and I are committed to putting this family back together, including Shaw. I know you’re mad she didn’t tell you about Remy but I also saw the way you two were looking at each other. I saw the way you were with her Rule and I know you have never been like that with anyone else. She has always thought that you were worthy and in need of love even when you did your absolute best to convince the rest of the world that you weren’t interested in being loved. I just think you should consider that before deciding to walk away from her for good.”
Was my mom, the woman that had made it her mission for the last three years to make sure I knew I was the lowest form of humanity trying to give me relationship advice? Was she seriously trying to tell me to try again with Shaw?
“She actually walked away from me. She told me that trying wasn’t enough, that she needed to know that I loved her for sure and I just couldn’t do that. I don’t know that we’re ultimately good for each other.”
My mom reached across the table and grabbed my hand that was resting by the cup. I nearly jumped out of my skin.
“She needs your strength and you need her to teach you how to love. She comes from a really awful group of people; Rule. She needs someone that can stand by her while she deals with that and you need someone that’s not scared of you, someone that can love all the different parts of you and not ask you to change any of them. She’s done it for years even if you didn’t know it. She was loyal to your brother, she kept his secret even though it caused problems between the two of you, and she’ll be loyal to you too.”
We sat in silence while her words washed over me. I just didn’t know what to say but I did know that things weren’t the same without Shaw in my life. The last couple months had been hallow. I didn’t just miss her in my bed, which I did…a lot, I missed her in the morning when I had breakfast, I missed hearing from her in the afternoon and sending her naughty little text messages that I knew made her blush, I missed her coming by the shop for dinner and hanging out while she did her homework. I just missed her and things weren’t as good as they were when she was around.
“I have to say this was one of the more surprising birthday’s I’ve ever had.”
“You deserve some peace and I need to be responsible for the part I’ve played in making it so hard for you to recognize true and honest to God love when it’s staring you in the face.”
“I need to go.” I pushed away from the table and looked down at her. I was grateful she didn’t get to her feet and try and hug me because I was nowhere near ready for that but when she offered me up a small smile I didn’t hesitate to grin back at her.
“Thanks mom.”
“You should have great things Rule, including a happy and whole family.”
“One step at a time mom.”
I was walking out of the shop when I almost plowed over the tiny brunette that had been checking me out the last time I was here. I grabbed her upper arms to steady her and let her go so I could move past her. What I needed to do, who I needed to get to was suddenly so clear it was the light at the end of the tunnel and I knew, just knew that if I could make it right the darkness wouldn’t pull me under anymore.
“Sorry.” I was going to move around her but she counteracted my move and put herself back squarely in my path. I frowned down at her while she batted long eyelashes up at me.
“No girlfriend this time, isn’t that just a shame?” I recoiled because this is what was out there, girls that would flirt with me, girls that would go home with me knowing I was seeing someone. It wasn’t enough anymore. I deserved better.
“I’m actually on my way to go get her now.”
The brunette tried to pout prettily but it did nothing for me.
“I would never have guessed you and Shaw would end up as a thing. She’s been frigid since high school and I thought she was in love with your brother. Doesn’t it freak you out being a replacement?”
Normally something like that would have made me see red, would have made my damn head explode but I got it now, this girl was nothing, her opinion didn’t matter and her misinformation was just laughable. I was done letting anyone, including a clueless stranger use Remy as a weapon against me.
“I gotta run. Next time I’ll be sure to go in the opposite direction if I see you coming.” She gasped in outrage but I didn’t care I was too busy sliding around her and sending a text to Cora to find out if Shaw was still hanging around her house. I wasn’t guaranteed an answer back because the girls had bonded and Cora was all for me staying the hell away from Shaw but maybe because it was my birthday she shot back that Shaw and Ayden had both worked a day shift today so they should be at the house. I would prefer to say what I had to say to Shaw without an audience considering Ayden wasn’t exactly my biggest fan right now. I was however willing to pick her up and move her out of my way if she didn’t let me get to my girl.
It was late afternoon by the time I got back to the city. I was glad I had taken the day off considering all the unexpected and life changing revelations I had been fielding all day. I was supposed to meet up with the guys for dinner and then I was having a pseudo party at Cerberus. Jet’s band was playing and all my friend’s and some of my regular clients were swinging by for a drink or two. It was lame that Rome was already gone, but we had grown so much closer while he was here I told him repeatedly I would just drink his share as well as my own so that he could be here in spirit still. All I knew was that it wouldn’t be any kind of celebration until I got to Shaw and told her what I had to say.
When I got to Cora’s house my nerves started to act up. If this was the last chance I had to make this work, if she still sent me on my way I wasn’t sure how I would handle it. There was a good chance that Shaw was going to break my heart and that was big and scary because I didn’t even know I had a heart to break before she came along. I skirted past a brand spanking new Porsche SUV and was relieved to see that Ayden’s Jeep was nowhere in sight. I could hear music coming from inside the house. She was listening to The Heartless Bastards and the sentiment made me chuckle as I rang the doorbell. I had to wait a good five minutes before the music went down and I saw the blinds next to the door twitch. I was proud of her for not just opening it without checking to see who it was, but my nerves ratcheted up even higher when after seeing that it was me she took another few minutes to pull the door open.
When she did I stopped breathing and forgot everything I wanted to say. She was obviously on her way out somewhere. She had on a super tight, super short black dress that made the green in her eyes electric and the pale blond of her hair glow around her head like a halo. I obviously interrupted her because she was bare foot and didn’t have any makeup but had her hair all curled up in a complicated style. She still looked so perfect it was enough to make my eyes hurt. The idea that she might be going on a date with someone else immediately crashed into all my hard won resolve and made my back teeth snap together.
“Hey.” It wasn’t eloquent or romantic but I was having a hard time not over thinking this and she didn’t seem to mind. She shivered in her almost nonexistent outfit and took a step away from the door.
“Come in. It’s cold out.”
I followed her into the house and was relieved when she went into the kitchen and pulled out a beer for me. It gave me something to do with my hands and a minute to get my head together.
“It’s not much of a present but it’s the best I can do on short notice. Happy birthday Rule.”
“Thanks, are you uhh headed out somewhere?” I let my hungry gaze travel from the top of her shiny head to the tips of her bright red painted toes; she was working towards being all healed up and looked like everything I ever wanted with a few bruises and bumps thrown in to remind me how close I had come to losing her all together. “You look very nice.”
She grinned sheepishly and twirled the ends of her hair around her finger. “I was getting ready to go out later.”
