48
The security guy hadn't liked stripping. I told him he could do it in privacy with just me and the nice officers watching, or he could do it on one of the stages. His choice. He'd looked like he didn't believe me, but wasn't willing to risk it. He was clean, no vamp bites. On the one hand, shit, because a master vamp is harder to catch, harder to keep, and harder to kill. On the other hand, great, because the list of vamps that could do this was pretty small. Or it was if I understood the deal between Malcolm and Jean-Claude. Okay, technically it had been a deal struck between Malcolm and Nikolaos, the old Master of the City. Having met her, hell, having killed her, I'd sympathized with vamps flocking to the church and not wanting to owe her a damn thing. But Jean-Claude had honored her treaty with the church, on a few conditions. One, no master-level vamps allowed in town without running it by Jean-Claude. So either Malcolm had reneged on the deal, or he didn't know that he had someone that powerful in his community. Or neither Malcolm nor Jean-Claude had felt someone that powerful enter their territory. If that last were true, we were in deep, deep trouble, because that would raise the power level to something none of us would want to deal with.
Or had Jean-Claude approved a master for Malcolm without understanding that there would be no blood oath to keep control of it? I had so many questions that my head hurt, and no way of getting them answered until Jean-Claude woke for the day. I drove back to St. Louis in dawn's early light, happy I had sunglasses with me. Happy that I wasn't driving directly east. The indirect brightness was bad enough.
The Circus was closer than my own house, so that's where I went. I bunked there sometimes to have a date with Jean-Claude, but often just because it was closer to crash. My eyes were so tired they burned, and my body had that achiness that feels almost like you're sick, but is just your body using up all its reserves to keep you awake and moving.
I pulled into the employee parking lot of Circus of the Damned at nearly 8:30 in the morning. There were three other cars in the lot. One was Jason's, and I didn't know the others on sight. But it had to be people who didn't just work here, but also lived here, and knew how to drive. That narrowed it down. I thought Meng Die drove, and maybe Faust, but I just wasn't sure, and was too tired to care.
I walked across the parking lot in the fast growing light, and fought off an urge to hunch my shoulders. I used my key on the back door, and I pushed my way into the blessed dimness of a storage room.
I locked the door behind me, leaning against it for a second or two. Not long ago there hadn't been a lock on the back door at all, you had to have someone let you in, but I'd had them put in a better door, reinforced steel, with a lock. Without the lock they'd had to keep someone in a little lookout up near the roof. The lookout would send someone down if the person at the door needed in. I said it seemed silly, since there was a lock on the outer doors in front. It just made it harder for the employees to get in, and besides there was a small window just before dawn when sometimes the lookout was empty, and that was often when I was trying to get inside. Banging on the door at dawn just got discouraging.
I made sure the door was secure behind me, then I wound my way through the boxes that were always there, to the big door that led to the stairs. The stairs went down, a long way down. I was tired enough that if there'd been an elevator I would have taken it. But there wasn't. The stairs were actually part of the defenses of the Circus. One, it was a lot of stairs, so you had to be fairly serious to go down them. Two, there were places along the way that we could set up ambushes if we needed to. Three, the stairs were oddly made, as if whatever they'd originally been made for hadn't walked on two legs, or at least hadn't been the size of a human being. If you didn't know what awaited you down below, you might start wondering what used these stairs. Actually, just vamps and wereanimals, but our enemies didn't know that. Jean-Claude encouraged the rumors that there were other things down here, bigger, less human things. Fine with me, keep your enemies scared and guessing.
By the time I got to the big iron door at the bottom, my vision was blurry from lack of sleep. I dragged my keys back out. The key to this door wasn't hard to find. It was the only huge, old-fashioned key on the ring. It looked like a giant among dwarves compared to the modern keys.
I put the key in, and the lock moved, smooth and well-oiled. The hinges were just as quiet, though probably if I had only been human strong I might have had to struggle with the weight of the door. It was meant to withstand battering by bigger things than hands.
I closed it behind me, and locked it, and set the big bar in place. If anyone else was dragging their ass in this late, they were out of luck. But you were usually safe this far after dawn to set the bigger lock in place. The fact that it hadn't been set probably meant Jean-Claude had figured I'd come here for the day.
I passed through the long, silky curtains that formed the walls of the living room. I actually didn't give much attention to the gold and white and silver furniture, or the painting above the faux fireplace. Sleep was the only thing on my mind, now that the outer door was locked.
I went to Jean-Claude's room, but I should have known better. I found him and Asher curled under the sheets. Both of them beautiful in death as in life. Asher's golden waves lay like metallic foam upon a white pillow. His eyes were closed, so I couldn't see his pale blue eyes, like the eyes of a Siberian husky. As pale a blue as Jean-Claude's were a dark blue. Asher lay on his side, so that the unscarred side of his face was up to the light. They'd left a light on for me, probably. Without a light, the room was dark as a cave. No windows. Jean-Claude lay spooning against Asher's back, one arm over the other man's waist, his hand trailing along the scars on the right side of Asher's body. Asher had been the blond beauty to Jean-Claude's brunette once, then some well-meaning church officials had captured him and used holy water to drive the devil out of him. Holy water acts on vampire flesh like acid on ours. Those same officials had burned Asher's human servant and love, Julianna, at the stake. Christianity is a fine religion, but some of the things done in the name of it aren't so nice.
I touched Jean-Claude's face, moved a stray lock of his hair behind one pale shoulder. His skin was cool to the touch, and would just get colder. I kissed Asher's forehead, and it was like kissing the dead. Vampires didn't sleep at dawn, they died. They truly were animated corpses. I just wasn't sure what exactly animated them.
I couldn't sleep in the bed with two corpses. The cooling flesh just creeped me out. I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to sleep with a vampire, I mean really sleep. Which left me wondering what bed to use. If there'd been a couch in the room, I would have used it, but there wasn't. Until I'd asked, there hadn't even been chairs. When you've got a bed this big, I guess who wants to sit in a chair?
I walked back out and closed the door softly behind me, not that it would wake them, but just out of habit. I went to Jason's room. I'd bunked with him before. I didn't knock, because I expected everybody to be asleep, and I was right. Jason was curled up tight on the far edge of the bed, his blond hair showing just above the covers. Someone else was curled against his back, and for just a second I thought I'd goofed, and it was a woman, but I knew that spill of auburn hair. Nathaniel was bunking here for the night. Again, not the first time.
They'd left the bathroom light on, with the door opened a crack. I wasn't sure if it was for my benefit, or so Nathaniel would know where he was if he woke in the middle of the night. The first few times I'd woken in absolute darkness in one of these windowless rooms, it had been claustrophobic. I liked a little light.
I'd cleaned the mud off my face in the car with the baby wipes, and once I got my boots and hose off, I was going to be mud-free. It was nearly a miracle that I hadn't fallen down, wearing the heels in the mud. I took off the leather jacket and folded it nicely. There was no chair, so I sat flat on the floor and unzipped the boots and stripped off the hose, putting them against a wall, so no one would stumble over them. The skirt was stiff with dried blood. The fact that none of the vamps in the club had said anything about it said either that they couldn't smell it, or they thought remarking on it would have been too barbaric.
I left the skirt in a pile by itself. I wasn't even sure dry cleaning could save it.
I took off the white T-shirt and made a third pile for clothes that were actually clean. The bra went in that pile. I put the T-shirt back on and kept the thong underwear, too. I'd have slept better without the thong, but the T-shirt wasn't enough clothes. I'd never slept nude with Nathaniel, and I had with Jason only once, when I'd passed out that way. I needed jammies. What I wanted more than anything in that moment was to wrap as much of my tired body around Nathaniel's body as I could, and sleep.
I crawled under the sheets on the far side of the bed and moved until I touched Nathaniel's bare back. The moment I touched him, he stirred in his sleep. I slid my body along his, until I spooned him from behind, which was how we slept most nights at home. He wasn't wearing anything. It wasn't a comment on sexual orientation for Nathaniel and Jason. It was a comment about them both being wereanimals. Wereanimals just didn't see the point in clothes, not if they could go without them.
I settled in against Nathaniel's body, and he snuggled himself between my body and Jason. Who never so much as stirred. I put my face against Nathaniel's hair, and the vanilla scent of it was enough. I was home, and I slept.
49
Something woke me. I wasn't sure what. I was just suddenly awake in the dimness of Jason's bedroom. I was still curled against Nathaniel, and Jason was a dim blond shape on the other side of him. Nothing had changed, so what had woken me?
I lay there, straining to listen. There was nothing to hear. It was just the boys' quiet breathing, the rustle of a sheet when Jason moved in his sleep. The room was utterly quiet. Had I heard something? Then I did hear something--water. Water running in the bathroom.
I slid my hand under my pillow, and the Browning was there in its holster. If I wasn't at home with the gun in its bedframe holster, then I kept the gun holstered and snapped, just in case. It'd be a shame if someone's hand accidentally offed the safety, and another hand hit a trigger, and well, you get the idea. I unsnapped the holster, drew out the gun, and put a hand over Nathaniel's mouth.
He jerked awake, eyes wide. I motioned with the gun toward the crack of the bathroom door. He nodded and touched Jason's shoulder, as I slipped out of the bed and moved toward the bathroom.
I had the safety off, the gun held two-handed, pointed at the ceiling. It could have been one of the other shapeshifters come to borrow a shower. It would be like them, not to wake anyone and just assume it would be alright. It'd be a hell of a thing to kill someone because they used the wrong shower.
I crossed wide around the door, so my shadow wouldn't cross the light, though probably with the dark room behind me, that wouldn't happen. But better careful than not. I had to ball the black silk robe up over one arm to keep from tripping over it. I didn't remember putting on a robe.
I was at the hinge side of the door, and I went to one knee, because if someone was on the other side with a weapon, most people aimed higher than my head was when I knelt. I kept as much of myself against the doorjamb as I could and began to ease the door open with my hands, which were still cupped around the gun. I was hoping to give my eyes time to adjust to the light, before whoever it was noticed the door moving. I knew better than to simply jump into the room from almost dark to bright light. I'd be blind for a second or two. If I'd been sure it was a bad guy, I'd have fired blind, but I wasn't sure.
There was water seeping out from under the door, the robe under my knees was wet with it. What I thought had been the shower running was the bathtub. I could hear the difference now. Someone had flooded the bathtub. What the hell was going on?
I had the door flat against the wall now, and there was no one to be seen. There was just the bathtub with water spilling over its sides and the water still rushing out of the faucet at full blast. The lower part of my legs were soaked. It was cold, so cold. Like they'd turned on only the cold. Who took a bath in only cold water?
There was just the sink area, a partial wall, the stool, and the bathtub/ shower. The room was small enough that I could see it all in one glance. There was no place to hide. Was this joke? Had someone crept in while we slept, plugged the bathtub, and turned on the water? Did they think we'd notice before it flooded? Did they care? Stupid joke.
I got to my feet and started wading through the water. It was ankle deep, and that seemed wrong. I mean, it shouldn't be that deep. The hem of the robe caught in the water, pulled in the current, like I was wading through a stream. It was like ice, so cold, so very cold.
I was standing over the bathtub now, and the water was cloudy. I couldn't see to the bottom of the tub, and that was wrong. It wasn't that deep. It was a white tub, and this was clear water. Why couldn't I see through it?
I kept the gun up, but reached to turn off the water. I half-expected something to grab my hand, but it didn't. The faucet just turned off, and the silence that followed was deafening. Small noises now, water sloshing, sliding around the room. The water cleared like a glass of water from a tap when there's too many minerals in the water. That milky stuff settling to the bottom, and there was something in the water. Something swimming out of the murk, coming into focus.
A pale hand, a spill of red hair, and I was staring down into Damian's face. His eyes were wide and dead, but it was daylight. He was dead. He didn't need to breathe. He could be under water. It wouldn't hurt him. But logic didn't help. Seeing him floating there, I did what I would have done if he'd been human--I reached for him.
I dropped the gun to the floor and plunged my hands into the tub. I touched him, grabbed handfuls of his shirt, and I started to pull him up, up through the water, but it was as if the water was heavier than it should have been. So heavy and so cold. He was almost at the top, almost when I realized it wasn't water, it was ice. He was frozen in a huge block of ice, and my arms were frozen with him, trapped with him.
"Anita, Anita," Nathaniel's voice, his hand on my shoulder, and I woke to Jason's bedroom. My pulse was choking me. I sat up and stared around. The bathroom door was open a crack but there was no sound of water. Dream, just a dream.
I started to shiver. Except that I was still freezing. So cold, so very cold. "I dreamed, dreamed of Damian. He was so cold, in ice."
"Your skin is like ice," Nathaniel said.
Jason was sitting up, his short blond hair tousled and his eyes heavy with sleep. "What's wrong?"
Nathaniel wrapped his arms around me, rubbing his hands against my cold arms. "When did you eat last, Anita?"
"With you, the drive-up."
"That was over twelve hours ago." He looked at Jason. "She needs food now."
Jason didn't ask questions, just crawled over the bed and dropped to his knees beside the mini fridge that acted as one of his bedside tables. He pulled out a bowl of fruit--apples, bananas.
"I don't like cold fruit," I said.
"Anita, you dreamed about Damian because you're eating his energy. Eat a banana," Nathaniel said.
I suddenly knew he was right. The cold was making me stupid. Jason handed me the fruit. But Nathaniel helped me peel it, because the shivering had gotten worse, and I couldn't peel it. Shit.
Nathaniel fed it to me in pieces, while my teeth started to chatter. When I'd managed to get it down, the shivering was a little less, but not a lot. "Meat, protein," Nathaniel said.
Jason lifted out a carton of Chinese takeout, but shook his head without offering it. "Too old." He got out a flat foam container and handed it up. "Fajita fixings from El Maguey, from yesterday."
Nathaniel opened it, lifted out a piece of the beef with his fingers, and held it close to my mouth. "Eat."
I ate, and the meat was unbelievably good, even cold. The meat seemed to fill up more than just my stomach. I picked through the grilled onions and peppers, and ate the beef. When my skin wasn't cold to the touch, and I'd stopped shivering, I slowed down, then shook my head. "I can't eat any more."
"You've eaten most of the meat," Jason said. He was kneeling beside the bed, his arms propped on it, his chin resting on his arms. "Did I hear Nathaniel say that you were eating Damian's energy?"
I nodded.
"Jean-Claude said that you'd formed a second triumvirate with Nathaniel and Damian."
"Apparently," I said.
"I take it there's a learning curve," he said.
"You could say that. This is the second time in less than twenty-four hours that I've almost killed Damian."
Jason's eyes went wide. "How?"
"She's trying to do what she always does," Nathaniel said, handing the now closed box to Jason. "Barely eat, barely sleep, not do anything to take care of herself except exercise."
"I can't tell the cops, oh, sorry, I need a nap," I said.
"No, but I told you that you needed to eat more. I told you that you were acting more like a lycanthrope than a vampire. All you had to do was go through another drive-up. There are all-night drive-ups."
I didn't like his tone. "I didn't think of it. I just wanted to get to sleep. I was so tired I was nauseous."
"Or maybe you were nauseous because your energy was bottoming," Nathaniel said, and he was angry, "but you didn't think of that did you?"
"No, I didn't. Happy?"
"No," he said, "because once Damian's dead, who do you think you'll start draining next?" He was so angry that his eyes had darkened, so they were almost purple.
I started to be angry back, because the nightmare had scared me, and endangering Damian again had scared me. I felt stupid that I hadn't thought to eat, when Nathaniel had explained it to me. I'd just been so tired. Come to think of it, I'd been more tired than I should have been, hadn't I? I wanted to be angry at him, because it was my fault. I hate it when it's my fault. I hate being wrong, especially this wrong.
"You're right, you're right. I'm sorry. I am."
"You're not going to argue?" Jason asked.
"Why argue when I'll lose? I was careless. It's not just the triumvirate, or the new one, it's the ardeur. I've finally got it conquered, sort of."
"What does 'sort of mean?" he asked, and came up to sit on the edge of the bed. He was nude. He'd been nude the whole time. I just really hadn't noticed. I noticed now, and gave him very good eye contact.
"It means that the ardeur doesn't rise on its own anymore."
"That's a good thing, right?" Jason said, he was studying my face like he was puzzled by my expression.
"That's the good news," I said, "the bad news is that the ardeur doesn't rise, but it still needs to be fed. It won't remind me, it's time to be fed. That's what happened with Damian earlier. I hadn't fed the ardeur in over twelve hours, a lot over, but it hadn't raised either."
"So you didn't feed it," Nathaniel said, softly.
"Exactly," I said.
"And you started sucking energy off of Damian," he said.
I nodded. "He called inside my head, sort of."
"Then you fed the ardeur,'" Jason said.
I nodded.
"Before you got to the club," Nathaniel said, and his voice was soft.
"Yes." I turned and looked at him, and what I saw in his eyes both made me feel bad and pissed me off. He looked hurt, and it wasn't my fault. But saying it wasn't my fault that I had to have sex with other men sounded wrong somehow, so I didn't say it. He had every right to be tired of me fucking everyone but him.
"I did the minimum for a snack, just to tide me over," I said.
"With who?" he asked, and his eyes were wide and careful.
"Requiem."
"If you were already feeding off of Damian's energy, then you needed to have fed the ardeur earlier, right?" Jason said. I think he actually wanted to know, but I think he was also trying to stop a fight before it started. I wasn't sure we were going to fight, but I wasn't sure we weren't, either.
I thought about Jason's question and finally said, "Yeah, I guess so."
"You gain energy through the ardeur, right?"
"Yeah."
"And now you're the power source for a new triumvirate. Your energy powers Damian especially, and to a lesser extent, Nathaniel?"
"Why a lesser extent for me?" Nathaniel asked.
"You're alive. You make your own heart beat; Damian doesn't."
Nathaniel nodded. "Okay."
"What's your point, Jason? I know you have one."
"Would I have a point?" he said with a grin.
I shook my head. "There's a very fine mind hiding behind those baby blues. You just don't let everyone see it, so yeah, you have a point. What is it?"
"Anita is having to eat more often, right?"
We both nodded.
"What if she needs to feed other things more often?"
I think we both took breath to ask what he meant, then we both got it at the same moment. "Oh, shit," I said.
Nathaniel said, "Oh, God."
"Before tonight it was every twelve hours, fourteen if I stretched it," I said. "How much more often could I need to feed?"
Jason spread his hands wide. "How should I know? I'm just pointing it out."
"It makes sense," Nathaniel said. "You fed off of Requiem about how long before we fed?"
I thought about it, tried to do the math in my head, and it was harder than normal, because that little flutter of panic was so loud. "Two hours, maybe less." I shook my head. "No, absolutely, not. I cannot feed the ardeur every two hours."
"No, but you could keep like snacks in the Jeep and eat every two hours," Nathaniel said. "Like I said, if you meet one hunger, the other hunger lessens."
The panic pulled back a little, not much, but a little. "Are you sure that peanuts in the car are going to do it?"
He shrugged. "I don't know, but I think so." He suddenly looked young, and not sure at all.
I hugged him, and he hugged me back. "God, Nathaniel, God, we were already low on daytime feeds. What am I going to do?" I let some of that panic out in my voice.
He squeezed me tighter. "We'll work something out. I'm sorry, I got mad about Requiem. It's just..."
"That everyone gets me, and you don't," I said.
He nodded. Then drew back enough to smile at me, that wonderful smile. He took my hand and placed it on the side of his neck. I felt the marks of my teeth under my fingertips. "This was good, Anita. This was exactly what I wanted in that moment, exactly."
I had to smile back at him, but the smile didn't last. "What time is it?"
Jason answered, "Ten o'clock."
Great. Less than two hours of sleep. Out loud I said, "I fed on you at about two in the morning, which means it's only been eight hours. Eight hours is too soon, Nathaniel."
He looked at me, and there was a fierceness there, a determination. "Make love to me, Anita. Make love to me, and then you can feed on someone else. But you're right, I am tired of watching everyone get there before me." He was on his knees, and he touched my arms, not quite clutching at me, not quite holding me. "Make love to me, and I won't have a reason to be jealous."
"I'll still be having to have sex with other men," I said. "Why won't you be jealous?"
"Because I'll know that you want to make love to me, and you have to have sex with them."
My head was beginning to hurt. Nathaniel often made me feel out of my depth. I loved him, and wanted him, but, hell, I didn't know what to say to him. "If it was you in other women's beds, I'd be jealous, no matter the why."
He blushed. "Would you really be jealous of me?"
"I wasn't entirely happy watching you get pawed at the club, so yeah, I think it would bother me."
"I think that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me."
"That I'm jealous of other women around you?"
He nodded.
"You've had girlfriends be jealous of you before," I said.
He shook his head. "I've never had a girlfriend."
I stared at him. I didn't know what to say. I knew he wouldn't lie about it, but I just found it hard to believe. "You've been in pornographic movies. You've--"
"Been a prostitute," he finished for me, and his eyes never flinched.
"Yeah, I'm sorry, but..."
"Fucking isn't dating, Anita. Fucking for money really isn't dating."
"But..." I said.
He touched my lips with his fingers. "Hush," he said, "you are the first girlfriend I've ever had."
I stared at him with a sort of soft horror growing in my mind. I was his first girlfriend? I couldn't wrap my mind around it. How can you do porn and be a prostitute and not date? Some of the confusion must have shown on my face, because he smiled and touched the side of my face. The bandage had come off and he traced the healing scratches that Barbara Brown had given me.
"I told you, you're the first person who ever wanted me, for me. Not because of the way I looked and what I could do with my body. You love me without sex. You let me take care of you. You let me organize your kitchen."
"You cook in it more than I do," I said.
He smiled, and his eyes were gentle, as if I were the child and he was so much older than I was. "That's it, Anita. You let me buy the tea set, even though I know you think it's sort of silly."
"You like the tea set," I said.
He nodded. "You do things not because you want them or enjoy them, but because it makes me happy. I've had people buy me jewelry, clothes, weekends in great hotels and spas, but no one ever let me buy what I wanted with their money, only what they thought I wanted. Let me remake their schedule. Let me make a place for me in their life." He cupped my face between his hands. "Maybe girlfriend isn't the right word, but I think any other word I could think of will make you run away, and I don't want that."
My lips were suddenly dry.
"Make love to me," he whispered and started to lean in for a kiss.
I felt the bed move on the other side. I had to fight the urge not to grab Jason's arm or something, anything to keep him with us. Anything not to be alone with Nathaniel. Ronnie was right, it wasn't rational, but I felt like if I consummated our relationship, I had to keep him. She was wrong. It wasn't sex that was a commitment for me anymore. The ardeur had taken that away from me. But sex with the right person was still a commitment, and the person bending in to kiss me, oh, so gently, was the right one.
I turned out of that kiss, to see Jason going for the bathroom. "I'll turn the shower on, enjoy."
"Sorry to kick you out of your own bed," I said. And I was, for more than one reason.
He grinned, and tried not to, as if he were pretty sure it would get him into trouble. "It's not like I won't be back in it."
I stopped Nathaniel from pressing closer with a hand on his shoulder, and stared at Jason. "What's that supposed to mean?"
He fought to control his face, and failed, and finally looked pleased with himself. "You can't feed on Nathaniel, it's too soon. Jean-Claude won't wake for awhile yet. And if Jean-Claude won't wake, then Asher is out, too."
I narrowed my eyes at him. "So?"
"If there's another shapeshifter here that you'd rather feed on than me, I'll get them for you. Graham is just down the hall." The look on his face said, plainly, he didn't expect me to take him up on it.
"You arrogant little--"
"Uh-uh-uh," he said, "now is that anyway to talk to someone who's going to let you feed on the very essence of his body?"
I scowled at him, then looked at Nathaniel. His face was utterly peaceful. "And you're okay with this?"
"Honestly?"
"Yeah, honestly?"
"As long as I'm first, yes."
"I could stay and help with the foreplay," Jason said.
Before I could answer, Nathaniel answered, "Not the first time, Jason. I want this to be just the two of us."
Jason grinned more for me than Nathaniel, because he could see the expression on my face caused by Nathaniel's casual attitude toward making it a threesome later. "I'm going to go hide in the bathroom now." He shut the door behind him, and we were left with the bedside lamp.
I looked at him, sort of outraged. "Thanks for volunteering me for a threesome."
He looked puzzled. "I sleep with you and Micah almost every night."
"But we're not having sex all at the same time."
He looked at me, and the look said that I was protesting too much.
"We don't," I said.
"Anita, you wake up, you need to feed, and whoever you didn't feed on the day before you touch, but the other man doesn't always crawl out of bed. I've watched you have sex with Micah more than once, and he's watched you feed off of me."
The headache was beginning to pulse behind my eye. I was having trouble swallowing, and it had the familiar taste of panic.
"I know that you and Jean-Claude are with Asher together. I know that that's a true threesome."
"Not all the time," I said, and even to me it sounded weak.
He frowned at me. "There's nothing wrong with enjoying being with two men at the same time, Anita."
My pulse was threatening to choke me. "Yes, there is," and my voice was breathy.
"Why, why is it wrong?" He leaned into me as if he'd kiss me, but I leaned away, and it was one of those stupid moments, because leaning away put me on the bed, so that I was looking up at him. There was no logic to pulling away from a kiss and putting myself flat on the bed. Of course, there was no logic to the screaming panic inside my head either.
He propped himself up on his arms and looked down at me with that smile that said I was being silly. I understood in that moment that I'd been wrong to think of him as a child. That one look let me know that in his own way, he'd been as careful of me as I'd been of him. That he thought of me as sheltered, innocent. That in many ways, I was a child in the face of his experience. It was one of those moments when a relationship changes, when the way you look at the world suddenly expands or explodes, and the world that was, isn't the one that is there a heartbeat later.
We stared at each other, and I don't know if it showed on my face, or if it just occurred to him, too, or what, but he hesitated and smiled down at me. "What's wrong?" he asked.
The question seemed so ridiculous that I laughed. "Oh, I don't know, I've almost killed Damian twice. I thought controlling the ardeur would make things easier, and it hasn't. I had intercourse with Byron, Byron, of all people. I almost raised the entire cemetery tonight. I could feel it, like some army of the dead just waiting for me to wake it. I could feel it, Nathaniel, feel the power of it." I was crying and hadn't meant to be. "So much went wrong today."
He kissed my tears as they slipped from my eyes, gently, so gently. "Let's make something go right." He kissed me, and the salt of my tears lay on his lips.
"But..."
He kissed me again, a little more forcibly. "Anita, please stop talking."
I frowned up at him. "Why?"
"So we can fuck," he said.
I opened my mouth, and don't know what I would have said, because he spoke first, "Make love to me," and he leaned over me, "consummate me," I thought he was going to kiss me, but his lips moved lower, and he kissed the front of my neck, then moved a little lower, "screw me," and he kissed the mound of my breast through the T-shirt, "suck me." He raised the short shirt up, spilling my breasts free. I started to protest, but the look in his eyes, on his face, stopped me. He put his lips over my nipple, just below the bandage that covered Jean-Claude's bite. He licked a long solid line over my breast and rolled his eyes to meet mine. "Fuck me."
I'd like to say that I had something equally salacious to say, or something suave, but for the life of me, the only thing I could think to say, was, "Okay." It wasn't suave and debonair, but when you love someone, you don't always have to be suave and debonair, sometimes you can just be yourself, and okay said at the right moment is sweeter than any poetry and can mean more to someone than all the pillow talk in the world.
