Noah’s fork was frozen in midair. After all that, all he could say was, “Abusive?”
“Mean,” she said. “He doesn’t hit, but he’s real rigid, demanding as hell and says hurtful things. You don’t like what’s on your plate, you go to bed hungry after you’re called a whole bunch of names. You don’t snap to attention, and you’re called stupid and idiot. Don’t rinse the dishes and wipe the table just perfect, you go to bed without stories or playtime. There’s no TV in the house, no talking at the table, no playing outside unless an adult is standing over you. No sleeping together—that’s dirty.” Her eyes watered. “Trevor is only four! And even when I did manage to get a place where they had their own room, they were always crawling in with me! It’s what kids do!”
Noah couldn’t move. She was pushing some buttons he didn’t feel like having pushed. He started hearing his father’s voice. What do I ask of you besides respect and decency? You have to learn discipline and restraint for your own good before you’re completely lost! No dessert/football/summer camp/TV/friends/et cetera et cetera et cetera!
Her voice lowered and calmed. “Danielle is only eight, and she’s expected to make sure everything is perfectly tidy and clean. And if it isn’t exactly how he wants it, which she’s just too young to do, he calls her names and takes away privileges.” Her laugh had a hollowing. “They’re not things I call privileges—like dinner? Like reading before bed? A privilege? I call it a necessity. How’s Danielle going to grow up smarter than me if she doesn’t get to read?”
Noah cleared his throat. “And this is better for them than a mother who dances for a living?”
She shrugged and looked down for a second. “It was the kind of dancing I did, I guess.” But she met his eyes when she said, “I don’t see the problem. It’s not like I took the kids to the club. It’s not an illegal place.”
“And the judge awarded custody to their stepfather?”
Her lips curved in a cynical smile. “The judge isn’t such a good tipper, either,” she said.
Noah felt sick. He put down his fork. “How did the judge figure in this, Ellie? Did you know him before?”
“He came into the club sometimes. He asked to buy me dinner a few times and I said no—he’s an old man! And besides, we don’t date customers. I explained that, but he wasn’t happy with the answer. But he fixed me, didn’t he?”
“Did the judge tell you that if you found a ‘proper’ job, you could have custody again?”
“No,” she said, shaking her head. “He said he couldn’t, in good conscience, leave the children in the hands of a stripper when there was a better alternative. All he knows about Arnie is that he’s a principal for a private school. He doesn’t know the real Arnie. The real Arnie can have a mean mouth on him. The judge said this was just temporary—he’d look at the custody again in ninety days.” She glanced away. “Eighty-two and counting.”
“Are you seeing your kids?”
She nodded and that’s when things fell apart for her; she couldn’t keep the tears back. One big one rolled down each cheek. “Every Saturday, just during the day. They can’t even spend the night with me. They’ve never been away from me before. I’ve never spent a single night away from them since they were born, except to work! Do you know the only reason why I haven’t done something like snatch them and run? Because Arnie is obsessed with winning, with having his way. I believe he’d hunt me down and have me locked up. And that would be even worse for the kids than this.”
Noah’s pie sat untouched, as well. He didn’t feel so hot. “Have you tried to get help, Ellie? Like legal aid?”
“Sure,” she said. “They were very nice to me. But there’s not a lot they can do with the decision at this point. Their advice was to try to find an acceptable job. They said they’d go back to court with me, maybe even sooner than ninety days, and they’d make sure I got my kids back. And make sure Arnie didn’t get any visitation—we were only married three months and they’re not his kids. Once I have my kids back legally, I’m running for my life. I’ll go as far as I have to go. I’ll change our names. I’m never letting something like this happen to them again. I made a lot of mistakes…I know I’m not the best mother—the best mother wouldn’t dance for strange men. But I love my kids. I take as good care of them as I can and I love them. And they are, for God’s sake, going to be able to read before bed!”
He smiled at her. “I think that’s something a good mother would insist on.”
“I try. I do everything I can. What else you going to do? It’s really hard when you have to work two jobs. At least at the club, I didn’t have to have a second job to make ends meet. And it was a job I could do while they were asleep.”
“Ellie, do you mind if I ask—how old are you?”
“Twenty-five.”
Well, she said she had them too young, he thought. “Where’s their biological dad?”
She shook her head and heaved a defeated sigh. “Oh, what the hell, you’re not giving me that church job anyway. A church job would really kick ass, but—” She took a breath. “This is all part of that Secret Keeping 101, right?”
“You bet.”
“I got pregnant in high school and then my boyfriend got killed in a motorcycle accident before we could even get married. It took me a long time to pick up the pieces and then I made my second big mistake—Trevor’s daddy went to prison when I was just barely pregnant. Robbery.
He had a cigar lighter that looked exactly like a gun—how about that? He decided to play a joke on a store owner and ask for the bank deposit. We don’t have any contact at all and never will. And then, as if I couldn’t be smart even once in my life, I married Arnie Gunterson.”
“Wow,” Noah said. “Why’d you marry him?”
“Come on, he didn’t act crazy when I was getting to know him. He was real nice. And he offered me something I’d never had before—a chance to live in a real house and stay home to take care of my kids. He treated me careful, with respect. He never even tried anything, he was saving himself for marriage—remind me never to fall for that one again! I didn’t know there was anything wrong with him. I mean, I knew he wasn’t fun. But the last fun one, Chip, was a laugh a minute, all the way to jail.” She took a breath. “Honest to God, I don’t even know why Arnie wants me. I wasn’t married to him for three days before he started acting all jealous, asking every day if I talked to any men, acting as if he didn’t even really like me. But he wanted me there, in his house, taking orders. And I don’t take orders very well. I must have been like a bad dream to him and he still wouldn’t let me go.
“But you know what? I’m going to figure this out. I’m going to get on my feet, get my kids back, and we’re going to be fine. There have been three men in my life, one of ’em dead and two of ’em too lousy to talk about, and that’s the total number of men there ever will be until I drop dead. How’s that? I don’t care what it takes, I’m getting ahead of this. My gramma always used to say the stuff that doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. Pastor Kincaid, meet Hercules Baldwin.”
Right away Noah’s thought was, You might’ve sworn off men, but I bet they haven’t sworn off you—not with that face and body. Shew. He was starting to feel a little warm. Let me seek to understand rather than to be understood. Where there is despair, let me offer hope. And dear God, could you please get her to cover up that cleavage for a while?
“Look, Your Reverence, I just need a job like this for ninety days. That’s all. Maybe even less. I just have to convince the judge I’m a good mother, that I have a proper job, and then I’ll get out of your hair.”
“You know the judge shouldn’t have been able to take them from you without a pretty exhaustive investigation, right? You know he overstepped his authority, right? Did the legal-aid people explain all that?” Noah asked her.
“That the judge went his own way on this because he could?” she asked. “Oh, yeah, I know he was just screwing with me. And it was also explained that challenging him right now could drag things out even longer—it would make his decision more of an issue than the custody. And believe me, I don’t cut him any slack here, but he doesn’t realize what he’s doing to the kids by giving Arnie control any more than I did when I married Arnie. I’m sure he didn’t think it would be horrible for them. That’s no excuse for ignoring some real important rules, like giving the kids a lawyer of their own…That isn’t going to happen twice, I promise!”
He thought for a second, studying his pie. He looked up. “Ellie, I’d like to ask you a question and I don’t think there’s a way to do it that won’t be offensive. I apologize for that. Could there be any other possible reason the judge chose your ex-husband as the guardian?”
“Like?” she asked, as if confused.
He shrugged. “Problems with the law? Parenting problems? You know…”
Her eyes narrowed. “I don’t drink or smoke. I don’t do drugs. The only law I ever broke was not getting my license tags renewed on time because I didn’t have the money. I have a potty mouth, but not in front of the kids…I hardly ever slip. I don’t leave my children alone, and I’ve lost jobs when the sitter stood me up. I can’t give my kids everything I want to, but I take care of them the best I can.”
“You understand, I can’t even consider you for the job unless I ask.”
“I can do your stupid job,” she said defiantly. “And you can bet I’ll do a damn good job. No one has ever complained about my work. I work hard. I always do two days’ work in one, just in case one of the kids gets a fever or something and I have to call in sick to stay with them. I swear to God, if there’s one thing I’m not, it’s lazy!”
“You know, Ellie, the pay I’m able to afford is low. Very modest,” he said. “There are some benefits, but they’re not the greatest.”
“I figured,” she said with a shrug. “I don’t care about that.”
“How would you make that work? You obviously need money.”
“I’ll make changes,” she said. “Give up the duplex. Find one room somewhere. I don’t need a house when I can’t have my kids overnight. We’ve lived in one room before and we could do it again.” She shrugged. “Cozy. We just curl up and tickle and laugh and play and—” Again her eyes misted over. “I’ll manage whatever life throws at me. That’s what I’m used to doing.”
“The church job—it’s not a piece of cake,” he said. “I need help with heavy jobs. You saw the place. I have to fix it up before I even get to the preaching part.”
She flashed him a smile. “Sounds like fun. More fun than listening to a lot of bible beating.”
“At least I’m not going to have to work at getting you to come out of your shy little shell,” Noah said, and she laughed. “You’re in a tight spot. You need just under three months to get back to the judge and for me to find someone permanent. We could try it. But it’s not going to be easy.” On either one of us, he thought.
“Do I seem like someone who knows what to do with easy?”
He smiled and shook his head. He knew better; this was a bad idea. But the kid deserved a break, didn’t she? He dared a glance down from her eyes. A tremor ran though him. She sure didn’t look like a church secretary. But then, he didn’t look like a preacher. “You’re out of work right now?” he asked.
