He walked the streets for hours after he left the orphanage, his thoughts filled with Sara, her fragile beauty, her sweet innocence, her unwavering trust. She had accepted him into her life without question, and the knowledge cut him to the quick. He did not like deceiving her, did not like hiding the dark secret of what he was, nor did he like to think about how badly she would be hurt when his nighttime visits ceased, as they surely must.
He had loved her from the moment he first saw her, but always from a distance, worshiping her as the moon might worship the sun, basking in her heat, her light, but wisely staying away lest he be burned.
And now, foolishly, he had strayed too close. He had soothed her tears, held her in his arms, and now he was paying the price. He was burning, like a moth drawn to a flame. Burning with need. With desire.
With an unholy lust, not for her body, but for the very essence of her life.
It sickened him that he should want her that way, that he could even consider such a despicable thing. And yet he could think of little else. Ah, to hold her in his arms, to feel his body become one with hers as he drank of her sweetness...
For a moment, he closed his eyes and let himself imagine it, and then he swore, a long, vile oath filled with pain and longing.
Hands clenched, he turned down a dark street, his self-anger turning to loathing, and the loathing to rage. He felt the need to kill, to strike out, to make someone else suffer as he was suffering.
Pity the poor mortal who next crossed his path, he thought, and gave himself over to the hunger pounding through him.
She woke covered with perspiration, Gabriel's name on her lips. Shivering, she drew the covers up to her chin.
It had only been a dream. Only a dream.
She spoke the words aloud, finding comfort in the sound of her own voice. A distant bell chimed the hour. Four o'clock.
Gradually, her breathing returned to normal. Only a dream, she said again, but it had been so real. She had felt the cold breath of the night, smelled the rank odor of fear rising from the body of the faceless man cowering in the shadows. She had sensed a deep anger, a wild, uncontrollable evil personified by a being in a flowing black cloak. Even now, she could feel his anguish, his loneliness, the alienation that cut him off from the rest of humanity.
It had all been so clear in the dream, but now it made no sense. No sense at all.
With a slight shake of her head, she snuggled deeper under the covers and closed her eyes.
It was just a dream, nothing more.
Sunk in the depths of despair, Gabriel prowled the deserted abbey. What had happened to his self-control? Not for centuries had he taken enough blood to kill, only enough to ease the pain of the hunger, to ease his unholy thirst.
A low groan rose in his throat. Sara had happened. He wanted her and couldn't have her. Somehow, his desire and his frustration had gotten tangled up with his lust for blood.
It couldn't happen again. It had taken him centuries to learn to control the hunger, to give himself the illusion that he was more man than monster.
Had he been able, he would have prayed for forgiveness, but he had forfeited the right to divine intervention long ago.
"Where will we go tonight?"
Gabriel stared at her. She'd been waiting for him again, clothed in her new dress, her eyes bright with anticipation. Her goodness drew him, soothed him, calmed his dark side even as her beauty, her innocence, teased his desire.
He stared at the pulse throbbing in her throat.
"Go?"
Sara nodded.
With an effort, he lifted his gaze to her face. "Where would you like to go?"
"I don't suppose you have a horse?"
"A horse?"
"I've always wanted to ride."
He bowed from the waist. "Whatever you wish, milady," he said. "I'll not be gone long."
It was like having found a magic wand, Sara mused as she waited for him to return. She had only to voice her desire, and he produced it.
Twenty minutes later, she was seated before him on a prancing black stallion. It was a beautiful animal, tall and muscular, with a flowing mane and tail.
She leaned forward to stroke the stallion's neck. His coat felt like velvet beneath her hand. "What's his name?"
"Necromancer," Gabriel replied, pride and affection evident in his tone.
"Necromancer? What does it mean?"
"One who communicates with the spirits of the dead."
Sara glanced at him over her shoulder. "That seems an odd name for a horse."
"Odd, perhaps," Gabriel replied cryptically, "but fitting."
"Fitting? In what way?"
"Do you want to ride, Sara, or spend the night asking foolish questions?"
She pouted prettily for a moment, and then grinned at him. "Ride!"
A word from Gabriel, and they were cantering through the dark night, heading into the countryside.
"Faster," Sara urged.
"You're not afraid?"
"Not with you."
"You should be afraid, Sara Jayne," he muttered under his breath, "especially with me."
He squeezed the stallion's flanks with his knees and the horse shot forward, his powerful hooves skimming across the ground.
Sara shrieked with delight as they raced through the darkness. This was power, she thought, the surging body of the horse, the man's strong arm wrapped securely around her waist. The wind whipped through her hair, stinging her cheeks and making her eyes water, but she only threw back her head and laughed.
"Faster!" she cried, reveling in the sense of freedom that surged within her.
Hedges and trees and sleeping farmhouses passed by in a blur. Once, they jumped a four-foot hedge, and she felt as if she were flying. Sounds and scents blended together: the chirping of crickets, the bark of a dog, the smell of damp earth and lathered horseflesh, and overall the touch of Gabriel's breath upon her cheek, the steadying strength of his arm around her waist.
Gabriel let the horse run until the animal's sides were heaving and covered with foamy lather, and then he drew back on the reins, gently but firmly, and the stallion slowed, then stopped.
"That was wonderful!" Sara exclaimed.
She turned to face him, and in the bright light of the moon, he saw that her cheeks were flushed, her lips parted, her eyes shining like the sun.
How beautiful she was! His Sara, so full of life. What cruel fate had decreed that she should be bound to a wheelchair? She was a vivacious girl, on the brink of womanhood. She should be clothed in silks and satins, surrounded by gallant young men.
Dismounting, he lifted her from the back of the horse. Carrying her across the damp grass, he sat down on a large boulder, settling her in his lap.
"Thank you, Gabriel," she murmured.
"It was my pleasure, milady."
"Hardly that," she replied with a saucy grin. "I'm sure ladies don't ride pell-mell through the dark astride a big black devil horse."
"No," he said, his gray eyes glinting with amusement, "they don't."
"Have you known many ladies?"
"A few." He stroked her cheek with his forefinger, his touch as light as thistledown.
"And were they accomplished and beautiful?"
Gabriel nodded. "But none so beautiful as you."
She basked in his words, in the silent affirmation she read in his eyes.
"Who are you, Gabriel?" she asked, her voice soft and dreamy. "Are you man or magician?"
"Neither."
"But still my angel?"
"Always, cara."
With a sigh, she rested her head against his shoulder and closed her eyes. How wonderful to sit here in the dark of night with his arms around her. Almost, she could forget that she was crippled. Almost.
She lost all track of time as she sat there, secure in his arms. She heard the chirp of crickets, the sighing of the wind through the trees, the pounding of Gabriel's heart beneath her cheek.
Her breath caught in her throat as she felt the touch of his hand in her hair, and then the brush of his lips.
Abruptly, he stood up. Before she quite knew what was happening, she was on the horse's back and Gabriel was swinging up behind her. He moved with the lithe grace of a cat vaulting a fence.
She sensed a change in him, a tension she didn't understand. A moment later, his arm was locked around her waist and they were riding through the night.
She leaned back against him, braced against the solid wall of his chest. She felt his arm tighten around her, felt his breath on her cheek.
Pleasure surged through her at his touch, and she placed her hand over his forearm, drawing his arm more securely around her, tacitly telling him that she enjoyed his nearness.
She thought she heard a gasp, as if he were in pain, but she shook the notion aside, telling herself it was probably just the wind crying through the trees.
Too soon, they were back at the orphanage.
"You'll come tomorrow?" she asked as he settled her in her bed, covering her as if she were a child.
"Tomorrow," he promised. "Sleep well, cara."
"Dream of me," she murmured.
With a nod, he turned away. Dream of her, he thought. If only he could!
"Where would you like to go tonight?" Gabriel asked the following evening.
"I don't care, so long as it's with you."
Moments later, he was carrying her along a pathway in the park across from the orphanage.
Sara marveled that he held her so effortlessly, that it felt so right to be carried in his arms. She rested her head on his shoulder, content. A faint breeze played hide-and-seek with the leaves of the trees. A lovers' moon hung low in the sky. The air was fragrant with night-blooming flowers, but it was Gabriel's scent that rose all around her - warm and musky, reminiscent of aged wine and expensive cologne.
He moved lightly along the pathway, his footsteps making hardly a sound. When they came to a stone bench near a quiet pool, he sat down, placing her on the bench beside him.
It was a lovely place, a fairy place. Elegant ferns, tall and lacy, grew in wild profusion near the pool. In the distance, she heard the questioning hoot of an owl.
"What did you do all day?" she asked, turning to look at him.
Gabriel shrugged. "Nothing to speak of. And you?"
"I read to the children. Sister Mary Josepha has been giving me more and more responsibility."
"And does that make you happy?"
"Yes. I've grown very fond of my little charges. They so need to be loved. To be touched. I had never realized how important it was, to be held, until..." A faint flush stained her cheeks. "Until you held me. There's such comfort in the touch of a human hand."
Gabriel grunted softly. Human, indeed, he thought bleakly.
Sara smiled. "They seem to like me, the children. I don't know why."
But he knew why. She had so much love to give, and no outlet for it.
"I hate to think of all the time I wasted wallowing in self-pity," Sara remarked. "I spent so much time sitting in my room, sulking because I couldn't walk, when I could have been helping the children, loving them." She glanced up at Gabriel. "They're so easy to love."
"So are you." He had not meant to speak the words aloud, but they slipped out. "I mean, it must be easy for the children to love you. You have so much to give."
She smiled, but it was a sad kind of smile. "Perhaps that's because no one else wants it."
"Sara..."
"It's all right. Maybe that's why I was put here, to comfort the little lost lambs that no one else wants."
I want you. The words thundered in his mind, in his heart, in his soul.
Abruptly, he stood up and moved away from the bench. He couldn't sit beside her, feel her warmth, hear the blood humming in her veins, sense the sadness dragging at her heart, and not touch her, take her.
He stared into the depths of the dark pool, the reflection of the water as black as the emptiness of his soul. He'd been alone for so long, yearning for someone who would share his life, needing someone to see him for what he was and love him anyway.
A low groan rose in his throat as the centuries of loneliness wrapped around him.
"Gabriel?"
Her voice called out to him, soft, warm, caring.
With a cry, he whirled around and knelt at her feet. Hesitantly, he took her hands in his.
"Sara, can you pretend I'm one of the children? Can you hold me, and comfort me, just for tonight?"
"I don't understand."
"Don't ask questions, cara. Please, just hold me, touch me."
She gazed down at him, into the fathomless depths of his dark gray eyes, and the loneliness she saw there pierced her heart. Tears stung her eyes as she reached for him.
He buried his face in her lap, ashamed of the need that he could no longer deny. And then he felt her hand stroke his hair, light as a summer breeze. Ah, the touch of a human hand, warm, fragile, pulsing with life.
Time ceased to have meaning as he knelt there, his head cradled in her lap, her hand moving in his hair, caressing his nape, feathering across his cheek. No wonder the children loved her. There was tranquility in her touch, serenity in her hand. A sense of peace settled over him, stilling his hunger. He felt the tension drain out of him, to be replaced with a near-forgotten sense of calm. It was a feeling as close to forgiveness as he would ever know.
After a time, he lifted his head. Slightly embarrassed, he gazedup at her, but there was no censure in her eyes, no disdain, only a wealth of understanding.
"Why are you so alone, my angel?" she asked quietly.
"I have always been alone," he replied, and even now, when he was nearer to peace of spirit than he had been for centuries, he was aware of the vast gulf that separated him, not only from Sara, but from all of humanity, as well.
Gently, she cupped his cheek with her hand. "Is there no one to love you, then?"
"No one."
"I would love you, Gabriel."
"No!"
Stricken by the force of his denial, she let her hand fall into her lap. "Is the thought of my love so revolting?"
"No, don't ever think that." He sat back on his heels, wishing he could sit at her feet forever, that he could spend the rest of his existence worshiping her beauty, the generosity of her spirit. "I'm not worthy of you, cara. I would not have you waste your love on me."
"Why, Gabriel? What have you done that you feel unworthy of love?"
Filled with the guilt of a thousand lifetimes, he closed his eyes, and his mind filled with an image of blood. Rivers of blood. Oceans of death. Centuries of killing, of bloodletting. Damned. The Dark Gift had given him eternal life. And eternal damnation.
Thinking to frighten her away, he let her look deep into his eyes, knowing that what she saw within his soul would speak more eloquently than words.
He clenched his hands, waiting for the compassion in her eyes to turn to revulsion. But it didn't happen.
She gazed down at his upturned face for an endless moment, and then he felt the touch of her hand in his hair.
"My poor angel," she whispered. "Can't you tell me what it is that haunts you so?"
He shook his head, unable to speak past the lump in his throat.
"Gabriel." His name, nothing more, and then she leaned forward and kissed him.
It was no more than a feathering of her lips across his, but it exploded through him like concentrated sunlight. Hotter than a midsummer day, brighter than lightning, it burned through him, and for a moment he felt whole again. Clean again.
Humbled to the core of his being, he bowed his head so she couldn't see his tears.
"I will love you, Gabriel," she said, still stroking his hair. "I can't help myself."
"Sara..."
"You don't have to love me back," she said quickly. "I just wanted you to know that you're not alone anymore."
A long, shuddering sigh coursed through him, and then he took her hands in his, holding them tightly, feeling the heat of her blood, the pulse of her heart. Gently, he kissed her fingertips, and then, gaining his feet, he swung her into his arms.
"It's late," he said, his voice thick with the tide of emotions roiling within him. "We should go before you catch a chill."
"You're not angry?"
"No, cara."
How could he be angry with her? She was light and life, hope and innocence, long walks on bright summer days. He was tempted to fall to his knees and beg her forgiveness for his whole miserable existence.
But he couldn't do that, couldn't burden her with the knowledge of what he was. Couldn't tarnish her love with the truth.
It was near dawn when they reached the orphanage. Once he had her settled in bed, he knelt beside her. "Thank you, Sara."
She turned on her side, a slight smile lifting the corners of her mouth as she took his hand in hers. "For what?"
"For your sweetness. For your words of love. I'll treasure them always."
"Gabriel." The smile faded from her lips. "You're not trying to tell me good-bye, are you?"
He stared down at their joined hands; hers small and pale and fragile, pulsing with the energy of life, his large and cold, indelibly stained with blood and death.
If he had a shred of honor left, he would tell her good-bye and never see her again.
But then, even when he had been a mortal man, he'd always had trouble doing the honorable thing when it conflicted with something he wanted. And he wanted - no, needed - Sara. Needed her as he'd never needed anything else in his accursed life. And perhaps, in a way, she needed him. And even if it wasn't so, it eased his conscience to think it true.
"Gabriel?"
"No, cara, I'm not planning to tell you good-bye. Not now. Not ever."
The sweet relief in her eyes stabbed him to the heart. And he, cold, selfish monster that he was, was glad of it. Right or wrong, he couldn't let her go.
"Till tomorrow, then?" she said, smiling once more.
"Till tomorrow, cara mia," he murmured. And for all the tomorrows of your life.
