My sister had chosen a car for our birthday, but I had opted for a telescope. I wished I were at home with it. Instead, I was lonely, embarrassed, and surrounded by people who would mock me as an appetizer. I felt my face burning, thinking I had imagined that I had a chance with him or any guy.
My sister could have any guy she wanted. She even had the one guy I truly wanted. But I couldn’t even get the guy no one wanted. Well, besides the other nerdy girls at our lunch table. Blake was the nerd hottie.
I covered my face and shook my head. I wished I could take it all back.
Being a rational romantic hadn't panned out like I’d hoped it would. I couldn’t help but wonder if being a twit like my sister paid off. She did seem happier than I ever did, by a long shot. I contemplated the possibility of playing dumb and twirling my hair.
I picked up a lock of my blonde mane and twirled one thick chunk over my face. It did seem relaxing in a repetitive way but definitely couldn’t replace thinking for me, no matter what.
I heard the grass beside me crunching and assumed it would be Blake, coming to try to rationalize with me. I prepared for the most embarrassing conversation ever. I decided standing and running would be my best bet.
I panicked even more when I recognized Shane’s voice from behind me. “You okay, Aimee? I saw you run out the back door. I thought maybe you were sick.”
He sat on the grass next to me and lay back. I clenched inside and tried not breathing. I contemplated the hair twirl but decided on playing it cool.
“Yeah, I’m not much of a partier.”
“Thanks for coming. I was hoping you would come to a party at least once before grad.” He had always been an easy person to be around. I noticed it when we were little kids. Had I not been completely humiliated, I would have enjoyed being with him.
"Remember when we were little and how easy life was?" I asked before my inner filter stopped me.
He rolled on his side and grinned at me. "Yeah. It was so much easier to just be happy then. All that mattered was how many frogs you caught or how high you could climb."
I laughed. "You could just be who you were and no one cared."
"I've always liked who you were. Well, are. I mean, I like who you are now, too." I glanced at him and laughed. He shook his head and lie back on the grass again.
"Thanks. I like who you are, too." Uncomfortable with the direction it was going, I changed the subject. “So, who is that guy from Handley with the crazy blue eyes?”
“Blue eyes? Oh, you mean Wade. His family owns the gym there. He plays hockey and goes out with Melissa Grouper.” He spoke, trying to jog my memory, but I came up blank.
Thinking about him made me smile. “His eyes are crazy blue…weird blue. I swear I know him from somewhere,” I muttered more to myself than him.
"Hmm, maybe at school. He’s pretty serious about Melissa; has been for about three years. Speaking of guys—what’s up with you and Blake?” he asked.
He had been convinced, as I had been, that we would be something more than friends. It wasn’t just me thinking it. Alise, Shane, and I, had seen the signs. It didn’t make me feel better. I was still humiliated.
“Nothing, nothing now and nothing ever. We are friends. Friends who can sleep beside each other and be comfortable, but I guess that’s it. I’m destined to be alone forever.” The words flew out before I could think about them, or my tone.
Shane laughed. “Okay, okay, Jeeze. You and your sister have that in common, I guess. There is more spice in you two than sugar.”
I frowned at the comparison. “Sorry. You’re right—that might be the only thing we have in common, unfortunately.” Besides loving you. I thought to myself, even though I knew Alise didn’t love him. I didn’t even believe she liked him. I knew for a fact that she'd been having ongoing affairs with every guy she knew. I had dreamed of helping Shane find out about her. I'd even planned how I would do it. I just didn’t want to be the reason her eternal happiness was destroyed. Her eternal happiness that only ever lasted the afternoon.
He shook his head. “Yeah, you’re night and day, there is no doubt. I’m kind of glad, though.”
I looked over at him and sighed. His sandy-colored hair was always styled choppy. I wondered if he styled it or just left it when he got up out of bed. He had a warm smile; the other girls always talked about how hot he was. There was no doubt.
Beyond his looks, I always loved his kindness. There was something more to him than met the eye, too. Like his eyes held a secret passion. The kind of passion that only the person he loved would understand. He was like a treasure chest. If you were lucky enough to find the key, you could spend a lifetime enjoying what was inside of it. He was always kind and cool around everyone, but I could see the underlying passionate romantic.
I noticed he was looking at me. It wasn't that his eyes never left my face, but the intensity of them made me uncomfortable. It made my stomach feel weird, a good weird. I wanted him to move closer. I wanted him to stretch his hand across the grass and take mine.
I wanted it more than anything in the world. I would have given up food, air or water to have him touch my hand, even in kindness. Okay, I wouldn’t have, but dammit, I wanted him to touch me.
“You look nice tonight. Finally wearing colors again, huh?” His voice seemed laced with some kind of emotion.
I looked at him quizzically. “Yeah, how did you notice I was only wearing black?”
“I notice you, Aimee, everyday.”
My heart stopped.
Those were magic words. I squealed with joy in my mind but remained calm, even though I freaked out inside my head. My super-hot sister’s boyfriend was hitting on me.
I didn’t know what to say or do.
Maybe he was just being nice to me, or maybe I was being an over-reactive idiot. His eyes didn’t seem to say kind; they looked more like steamy. I smiled inside, enjoying the moment.
I panicked and looked away from him, pretending to look back up at the stars. I made myself remember Alise had already been there and polluted that. It wasn’t that I truly cared, but I needed an excuse to not like him. Whether I hated Alise or not, I wasn’t going to steal my sister’s boyfriend.
I struggled in the silence, not sure what to say. I tried to relax.
"I noticed you were different tonight, right away."
I gulped again. "Alise got a hold of me. She's against black, unless it’s a cocktail dress or lingerie. She was savage about it. Don’t get me wrong, I love my sister, but I would never date anyone that abusive. I guess guys tolerate a lot more than girls do, though.”
He sounded lost in his thoughts. “Yeah, otherwise the world would stop going 'round.”
"I guess."
We sat in silence staring at the stars for a long time. He was my kind of company.
“So Blake isn’t the one for you, huh?” he asked again, but sounding more nonchalantly.
I shook my head. “Nope. I guess I thought we should be together 'cause we’re the same type of person, you know. I like having him there, knowing someone liked me."
The words hurt to say, but it hurt even more, when my brain whispered, No one does.
“Well, that sounds ridiculous. You want to keep him on standby, so that you know someone likes you?”
I grimaced. “Everything sounds bad when you say it like that, all judgmental and hateful. You make me sound like Alise.”
He laughed. “Sorry, I’m not really one of those sugar-coat people. I know you're nothing like her.”
I looked back over at him, instantly startled by how intently he looked at me.
He bit his lip for a moment and then muttered, “So, you aren’t in love with him?”
I shook my head as my brain whispered again, 'Just embarrassed.'
“You’re so amazing, Aimee. You don’t need boys on standby. You just need to go for the right guy. He's not the only guy who could like you.”
His eyes locked on mine and he leaned toward me. I could see it in his eyes. He was fully going to kiss me. I felt nervous but didn’t move or breathe in anticipation.
He reached forward and brushed his hand along my cheek. His blue eyes lit up. "I have something I want to tell you."
My stomach twisted into knots.
He bent his face, but just as I felt his breath upon my lips, we were interrupted by a crash behind us.
"Son of a bitch."
He pulled away from me and I looked back at my sister stumbling down the lawn.
“Shane, are you out here? Who’s that bitch with you?”
She was drunk already. I glared at her, judging her the entire time. “It’s me, you idiot.” I spoke clearly so she could catch every inch of my annoyance.
“Oh it’s just you—dear God, Aimes, you scared the shit out of me. I thought some hooker was out here trying to steal my man.” She plopped down on the grass, as ungracefully as was possible.
"We need more snacks and drinks. I don’t know where they are." she spoke lazily as she nearly landed right on me.
“It was nice sitting in the quiet with you, Shane. See you guys inside.” I stood up and left them. My face was on fire from the near kiss.
I looked back to see him watching me go. He looked like he wanted to say something, but he didn’t. Instead, Alise pushed his arm and giggled about something.
I could hear the arguing starting up as I walked along the dark grass back to the house.
I wanted to tell myself that he was probably drunk, but I knew that wasn’t it. I knew Shane better than that, and he had noticed all I wore was black. I wanted to tell myself not to be excited, not to get my hopes up in any way. But my hopes were already through the moon.
Blake was standing at the back door, looking out at the backyard. I knew he was looking for me. I felt guilty that he might have seen the almost kiss in the grass.
I ducked along the hedge and crept to the other side of the house. I slipped in the front door and got lost in the crowd.
I wasn’t ready to go back to normal yet. I was full of mixed emotions that I needed to analyze alone with Jane Austen.
