Chapter Eight
Pagan
“I stay out of sight and only whisper to you.
Words I can’t say. Words you don’t need to hear. Words I can’t keep from tangling my way.
Now, I can’t stand alone. I can’t ignore what I’ve been shown.
You’ve claimed me and I don’t care who knows. You’ve claimed me and I don’t care if it shows.
I’m weakened and I’m strengthened in your arms.
You’ve claimed me and I need to feel you close.
You stand wanting more than you could ever understand.
I stand helpless, needing to give in to your every command. Wanting to see you smile has consumed me and tied both my hands.
Nothing I offer could ever be worthy of your love.
It’s a miracle that you saw me and never ran.
I will spend my whole life trying to be the man you think I am.
Now, I can’t stand-alone. Now, I am under your influence. I can’t ignore what I’ve been shown.
You’ve claimed me and I don’t care who knows.
You’ve claimed me and I don’t care if it shows.
I’m weakened and I’m strengthened in your arms. You’ve claimed me and I need to feel you close.”
“You hold fire within your gaze.
It mesmerizes everyone you allow into your maze. I know nothing of your thoughts but I need to bask within the warmth of your rays. Nothing you do could ever be wrong. You’re forever perfect in every way.
Now, I can’t stand-alone. Now, I am under your influence.
You’ve taken over me and now, I can’t ignore what I’ve been shown. You’ve claimed me and I don’t care who knows. You’ve claimed me and I don’t care if it shows. I’m weakened and I’m strengthened in your arms.
You’ve claimed me and I need to feel you close.”
The hauntingly sweet music played over and over again in the darkness. I couldn’t open my eyes but I wasn’t scared. I knew I was safe. The words soothed me and eventually I fell back into a deep sleep. Bright blue eyes that glowed against the night were the last things I remembered.
“GET UP! You are like the sleeping dead. I swear. Get your lazy ass up. We have class in ten minutes,” Miranda was yelling at me while pelting me with her pillow.
I groaned, rolled over, and blocked the onslaught of her feather pillow. “I’m awake. You can stop now.”
“It’s about time. I tried everything else. I’ve been awake for over an hour. Your stupid alarm clock made sure I woke up. How you slept through that annoying beeping is beyond me.”
“I slept through the alarm clock?” I asked sitting up and squinting my eyes from the sun’s rays. It was after eight o’clock. I wasn’t going to make it to my Literature class on time. Crap. Great first impression.
“Yeah, you did. That’s like happened, never. What did you do, take a sleeping pill?”
I stood up and stretched. “No I just slept really good,” I paused and thought about the strange darkness and the music. The voice and the song… “There was this song,” I said then stopped. Miranda would think I’d lost my mind.
“No time to talk about songs right now. Here, throw this on and go brush your stinky teeth. We gotta go. Good thing you look hot without makeup.”
Miranda shoved a pair of shorts and a shirt into my arms and pushed me into the bathroom. I guess I wouldn’t tell her about my song. Although, I wanted to tell someone.
Dank wasn’t in literature class. I was disappointed he hadn’t shown up and carried my books, but relieved because I could focus on my work. Being able to listen and focus would insure I passed this course. Day one and we already had an assignment. We also had to work in groups. Not my thing. Three girls and three guys per group. We had to read three different works of literature about self-destructive men. Then we had to write a female point-of-view paper and a male point-of-view paper on exactly how the males in the assigned stories were self-destructive. We also had to identify who we could relate them to today and describe how this self-destruction affected politics.
I shoved my books into my bag and headed to the board to read the group assignments. Each person in our group had an email address beside their name so that we could contact each other once we’d read the first book, Ethan Frome. I was a step ahead. I’d already read it. The line was dwindling because several people left without looking. I walked up and scanned the list for my name.
Keith Fromer
Pagan Moore
Jessi Gilheart
Jackson Driver
Maddy McGowin
Dank Walker
I stopped reading the names and glanced behind me. How was Dank’s name on here? He wasn’t in this class. Was he? The girl behind me cleared her throat in an irritated manner. I took a quick picture of the people in my group and their email addresses with my iPhone and moved out of the way.
Had Dank skipped class?
Dank
By the time I was finished with souls, I was too late to go to literature class with Pagan. I hated I’d missed an opportunity to sit by her but I’d stayed late last night to sing her to sleep. That was something I missed. I couldn’t bring myself to leave until I knew she was sleeping peacefully.
The doors to the English building opened and Pagan came walking out with a frown on her face. I didn’t like for her to be unhappy. I walked out of my hiding spot and into her path.
“Oh! Dank. You’re here.” She seemed surprised.
“Yeah. Were you hoping I’d dropped out?” I asked teasingly.
Her frown faded and she beamed up at me. That was better. “I was curious as to why you missed your first day of literature.”
She’d seen the list. We’d be spending study time together too. The more time I could get with her the better. Now that I knew she wasn’t really impressed with Jay I could breathe a little easier.
“I was out late. I’ll catch up.”
“I’ve got notes. I have some time before I meet Miranda. If you want to go get some coffee or just go over to a picnic table I could give you everything that you missed,” she offered.
I would prefer we go somewhere more private but that wasn’t a possibility. I’d never be able to explain how it was I could sneak into her room so easily and I didn’t have a room for her to sneak into.
That was something I really needed to rectify. I needed a place to at least appear as if I lived there. She was going to be curious and until I knew she loved me I couldn’t tell her who I really was. I didn’t think she’d accept me if I explained my existence any sooner.
The library. It could be secluded if you went to the right places. “What about the library?” I asked. Her eyes lit up.
“Perfect. We need to get you a copy of Ethan Frome if you haven’t already read it.”
We could pretend I needed the copy of Ethan Frome. “Let’s go get that book,” I replied.
Pagan nodded and started to walk toward the library. I took her book bag. I hated seeing her carry it around. It looked so heavy on her shoulders. “I got this. Lead the way.” I told her when she looked back at me. She blushed and mumbled a thank you as she headed toward the large stone three-story building that I knew had a very quiet and secluded top floor. I’d checked it out already.
I opened one of the large double doors and let Pagan walk inside. “Go to the top floor,” I whispered to her and nodded toward the staircase to our left.
Pagan didn’t argue. She did as instructed and I followed behind her. The view of her cute little bottom in the shorts she had on today was making this idea an even better one. She reached the top floor and glanced back at me. “Where to?”
“There is a study area in the back that is usually empty so we can talk without disturbing anyone,” I explained.
No one was back here. If they were I’d been prepared to convince them to leave.
“Do you have another class today? This was it for me.” Pagan asked as she pulled out a chair and sat down.
“I’m done for the day too, so no need to hurry,” I replied. I wanted all the time I could get up here alone with her.
“Okay good,” she smiled and pulled out her literature book and a notebook. “My handwriting can be sloppy when I try to write fast. I’m supposed to be getting a laptop in the mail next week. Mom is sending it to me. Until then I have to scribble everything down.”
She had to go a week without a laptop. I knew it would be difficult for her. I wanted her to have something to type on. Pagan liked to take thorough notes. She wouldn’t be able to do that with a pen and paper. “I’ve got a lap top I’m not using. You’re welcome to borrow it until yours gets here.”
Her eyes lit up, “Really? You have an extra?”
I didn’t own a laptop but I’d go purchase one as soon as I left here. “It’s all yours.”
“Thank you. You’re a life-saver. That is such a sweet offer. I promise I’ll take care of it.”
The look on her face made me want to go buy her five lap tops and anything else she wanted.
“About the concert Friday night,” she began. Please don’t let her be backing out on me now. I wanted her there.
“What time do we need to be there? Do you go early and warm up?”
“Concert starts at eight but we’ll warm up around five. Then we relax and hang out backstage until show time.”
“Oh, wow. What time should we get there?”
I hadn’t been prepared for this question just yet. I’d wanted to ease her into coming to my practice with me, and letting Miranda come with Gee later.
“Would you be against riding with me to practice and staying the entire evening with me?”
She didn’t respond right away. I watched as a series of emotions crossed her face. “Um, well. What about Miranda and Gee? Would they be coming early too?”
I shook my head, “No, they’d come a little later.”
I wanted her without her posse.
“Oh,” she replied and bit her bottom lip several times before looking back up at me. “Would it be okay if I just came with them? Miranda is looking forward to this and Gee still makes her nervous. Plus while you’re warming up I’ll be all alone.”
I tried hard not to let the disappointment show on my face. “That’s fine, Pagan. Whatever makes you feel comfortable.” Reminding myself that this was going to take time was difficult. I wanted to get back what we had. But to Pagan I was still a guy she’d just met. One she wasn’t sure she trusted.
“Okay, thank you,” she replied and began pulling more papers out of her book bag. I’d forgotten we were here to catch me up on what I missed in class. “Like I said, I took notes but I probably took more than necessary. You can look over them and write down the highlights. I’m going to go find a copier and make you a copy of the syllabus. Oh, and I’ll look for the book too.” She stood up and headed for the stairs. I leaned back in my chair and closed my eyes. One day, I’d have her back.
