"Zoey, sweetheart, you have to let her go." Damien's voice didn't really register in my mind. I mean, I could hear his words, but it was like he was speaking a weird for eign language. I couldn't make any sense of them. "Zoey, why don't you come with us, now?" That was Shaunee. Shouldn't Erin chime in? I'd barely formed the thought when I heard, "Yeah, Zoey, we need you to come with us." Oh, there's Erin. "She's in shock. Speak calmly to her and try to get her to re lease Stevie Rae's body," Neferet said. Stevie Rae's body. The words echoed weirdly through my mind. I was holding on to something. I could tell that much. But my eyes were closed and I was really, really cold. I didn't want to open them, and I didn't think I'd ever get warm again. "I have an idea." Damien's voice bounced around inside my mind like a pinball machine. "We don't have candles and we don't have a sacred circle, but it's not like Nyx isn't here. Let's use our elements to help her. I'll go first." I felt a hand grasp my upper arm, and then I heard Damien muttering something about calling air to blow about the scent of death and despair. A big wind whooshed around me, and I shiv ered. "I better go next. She looks cold." That was Shaunee. Someone else touched my arm and after some words I didn't quite catch, I felt surrounded by warmth, like I was standing very close to an open fireplace. "My turn," Erin said. "I call water and ask that you wash from my friend and future High Priestess the sadness and pain she's feeling. I know all of it can't go away, but could you please take just enough from her that she can bear to go on?" Her words reg istered more clearly on my mind, but I still didn't want to open my eyes. "There's still one more element in the circle."
I was surprised to hear Erik. Part of me wanted to open my eyes so that I could look at him, but the rest of me, too much of me, refused to move. "But Zoey always manifests spirit," Damien said. "Right now Zoey can't manifest anything by herself. Let's give her some help." Two strong hands gripped my shoulders, along with the other hands that grasped places on my arms. "I have no affinity for these things, but I do care about what happens to Zoey, and she has been gifted with an affinity for all five ele ments," Erik said. "So I, along with all of her friends, ask that the element spirit help her wake up so that she can get over the death of her best friend." Like an electric shock, my body was suddenly zapped, filled with an incredible sense of awareness. Against my closed eyelids I saw Stevie Rae's smiling face. It wasn't bloodstained and pale, like it had been the last time she'd smiled at me. The image I saw was a healthy, happy Stevie Rae, and she was walking into a beautifully familiar woman's arms while she laughed joyfully. Nyx, I thought, Stevie Rae is being embraced by the Goddess. And my eyes opened. "Zoey! You're back with us!" Damien cried. "Z, you're going to need to let go of Stevie Rae now," Erik said somberly. I looked from Damien to Erik. Then my eyes went to Shaunee and Erin. All four of my friends had their hands on me, and they were all crying. Then I realized what it was I was clutching in my arms. Slowly, I looked down. Stevie Rae looked peaceful. She was too pale, and her lips were turning blue, but her eyes were closed and her face was relaxed, even though it was covered with blood. Her blood wasn't drip ping from her orifices anymore, and part of my mind realized that it smelled wrong--stale, old, dead. Almost like mold. "Z," Erik said. "You have to let her go." I met his eyes. "But I told her I'd stay with her." My voice sounded strange and scratchy. "You did. You stayed with her the whole time. She's gone now, so there's nothing else you can do."
"Please, Zoey," Damien said. "Neferet needs to clean her up so it's okay for her mom to see her," Shaunee said. "You know she wouldn't want her mom and dad to see her all covered with blood," Erin said. "Okay, but ... but I don't know how to let her go." My voice cracked and I felt fresh tears leak down my cheeks. "I'll take her from you, Zoeybird." Neferet held her arms out, like she was ready to receive a baby I'd been holding. She looked so sad and beautiful and strong--so familiar--that I forgot all the questions I had about her and simply nodded and slowly leaned forward. Neferet slid her arms under Stevie Rae's body and lifted her away from me. She shifted her hold on Stevie Rae, and then turned and laid her gently on the empty bed beside mine. I looked down at myself. My new black dress was soaked with blood that was already stiffening and drying. The silver threads still tried to glitter in the gaslights of the room, but instead of the pure light they gave off before, they now sparkled with a copper hue. I couldn't keep looking at them. I had to move. I had to get out of there and get this dress off. I swung my feet over the side of the bed and tried to stand up, but the room pitched and rolled around me. Then the strong hands of my friends were back on my arms, and I felt anchored to the earth through their warmth. "Take her back to her room. Get her out of that dress and cleaned up. Then be sure she goes to bed and is kept warm and quiet." Neferet was talking about me like I wasn't there, but I didn't care. I didn't want to be there. I didn't want any of this. "Give her this to drink before you put her to bed. It will help her sleep without nightmares." I felt Neferet's soft hand on my cheek. The warmth that passed from her body to mine was a shock, and I instinctively jerked away. "Be well, Zoeybird," Neferet said kindly. "I give you my word that you will recover from this." I didn't look at her, but I knew she shifted her attention back to my friends. "Take her to the dorm now." I was moving forward. Erik was on one side of me with his hand securely under my right elbow, Damien was on my left, holding me tightly, too. The Twins were close behind us. No one spoke as they led me from the room. I glanced back over my shoulder to see Stevie Rae's lifeless body on the bed. It almost looked like she was sleeping, but I knew better. I knew she was dead. The five of us left the infirmary and walked into the snowy night. I shivered, and we paused long enough for Erik to take off his jacket and drape it around my shoulders. I liked the way it smelled, and tried to think of it and not the hushed fledglings we were passing and how as we approached each of them, whether they were alone or in groups, the kids moved off the sidewalk, bowed their heads, and silently crossed their right fists over their hearts. We got to the dorm in what seemed like seconds. As we en tered the main room the girls who were watching TV and sitting around in groups all fell totally silent. I didn't look at any of them. I just let Erik and Damien lead me to the stairs, but before we got there Aphrodite was blocking our way. I blinked hard to focus on her face. She looked tired. "I'm sorry Stevie Rae died. I didn't want her to," Aphrodite said. "Don't say shit to us, you fucking hag!" Shaunee snarled. She and Erin stepped forward, looking like they wanted to beat the crap out of Aphrodite. "No, wait," I made myself say, and they hesitated. "I need to talk to Aphrodite." My friends looked at me like I'd lost every bit of my mind, but I stepped out of the nest of arms that were holding me up and walked unsteadily a few paces away from the group. Aphrodite hesitated, and then she followed me. "Did you know about what was going to happen to Stevie Rae?" I asked, keeping my voice low. "Did you have a vision about her?" Aphrodite shook her head slowly. "No. I just had a feeling. I knew something terrible was going to happen tonight."
"I get them, too," I said softly. "Feelings about things or people?" I nodded. "They're harder than my visions--not as specific. Did you have a feeling about Stevie Rae?" she asked. "No. I was clueless, even though now I can look back and see signs that something was wrong with her." Aphrodite met my eyes. "You couldn't have stopped it. You couldn't have saved her. Nyx didn't let you know it was going to happen because there was nothing you could have done."
"How do you know? Neferet says Nyx has deserted you," I said bluntly. I knew I was purposefully being cruel. I didn't care. I wanted everyone to hurt as much as I did.
Still looking me straight in the eyes, Aphrodite said, "Neferet lies." She started to walk away, but changed her mind and came back. "And don't drink whatever she gave you," she said. Then she left the room. Erik, Damien, and the Twins were at my side in a blink. "Don't listen to whatever that hag had to say," Shaunee huffed. "If she said something nasty about Stevie Rae, we're gonna kick her ass," Erin said. "No. It wasn't anything like that. She just said she was sorry, that's all."
"Why did you want to talk to her?" Erik asked. He and Damien had ahold of me again, and now they were leading me up the stairs. "I wanted to know if she had a vision about Stevie Rae's death," I said. "But Neferet has made it clear that Nyx has turned her back on Aphrodite," Damien said. "I wanted to ask anyway." I was going to add that Aphrodite had been right about the accident that almost happened to my grandma, but I couldn't say anything in front of Erik. We came to the door to my room--our room--Stevie Rae's and mine, and I stopped. Erik opened it for me and we stepped in. "No!" I gasped. "They've taken her stuff! They can't do that!" Everything that was Stevie Rae was gone--from the cowboy boot lamp and the Kenny Chesney poster, to the gyrating Elvis clock. The shelves over her computer desk were empty. Her computer was gone. I knew if I looked in her closet, all of her clothes would be gone, too. Erik put his arm around me. "It's what they always do. Don't worry, they didn't throw away her stuff. They just moved it so that it wouldn't make you sad. If there's something of hers you want, and her family doesn't mind, they'll give it to you." I didn't know what to say. I didn't want Stevie Rae's stuff. I wanted Stevie Rae. "Zoey, you really need to get out of those clothes and take a hot shower," Damien said gently. "Okay," I said. "While you're in the shower we'll get you something to eat," Shaunee said. "I'm not hungry."
"You need to eat. We'll get you something simple, like soup. Okay?" Erin said. She looked so upset, and was so obviously try ing to do something, anything, to make me feel better that I nod ded. Plus, I was too tired to argue with anyone. "Okay."
"I'd stay, but it's past curfew and I can't be in the girls' dorm," Erik said. "That's okay. I understand."
"I want to stay, too, but well, I'm not actually a girl," Damien said. I knew he was trying to make me smile, so I made my lips move up. I imagined I looked like one of those scary, sad clowns who had a smile painted on his face along with a teardrop. Erik hugged me, and so did Damien. Then they left. "Do you need one of us to stay while you take a shower?" Shaunee asked. "No, I'm fine."
"Okay. Well ..." Shaunee looked like she was going to cry again. "We'll be right back." Erin took Shaunee's hand and they left the room, closing it with a soft, final click. I moved carefully, like someone had switched me "on," but had set my speed at slow. I took off my dress, bra, and panties and put them in the plastic-lined wastepaper basket that sat in the corner of our--I mean my--room. I closed up the plastic bag and put it by the door. I knew one of the Twins would throw it away for me. I went into the bathroom and meant to get straight into the shower, but my reflection caught me, and I stopped, staring. I had turned into a familiar stranger again. I looked horrible. I was pale, but I had bruised-looking circles under my eyes. The tattoos on my face, back, and shoulders stood out in stark, sapphire con trast to the white of my skin and the rust-colored smears of blood that covered my body. My eyes looked huge and unusually dark. I hadn't taken off my Dark Daughters necklace. The silver of the chain and the copper of the garnets caught the light and gleamed. "Why?" I whispered. "Why did you let Stevie Rae die?" I didn't really expect an answer, and none came. So I got in the shower and stood there for a very long time, letting my tears mix with the water and the blood and wash down the drain.
