EPILOGUE
Five years later
I watched my wife swing lazily in our hammock, one foot dragging lightly on the grass as she moved back and forth under the summer sunshine. She twirled a lock of her golden brown hair around one delicate finger, her other hand flipping the pages of the paperback that was propped up on her swollen belly.
Fierce male pride filled me as I gazed at my Bree, the woman who loved me and our children to the very edges of her heart.
Our three year old twin boys, Connor and Charlie, romped in the grass nearby, spinning themselves around until they got dizzy, their laughter spilling joyously out of their mouths as they fell on the grass in fits of giggles. Boys.
We had named them after our fathers, the men who had loved us so fiercely, that when faced with life-threatening danger, their only thought had been to save us. I understood that. After all, I was a father now too.
I walked slowly to Bree and when she saw me, she turned her book over on her belly and laid her head back and smiled dreamily at me. You're home.
I squatted down at the side of the hammock and signed, The meeting wrapped up quickly.
I had been at the bank negotiating the purchase of a piece of land that was just outside the town limits as of now. It'd gone well.
The town had voted down the expansion plans that Victoria Hale had been putting in place five years ago when I took over the land. But as it turned out, the residents weren't against expansion or bringing in a little more business, they were just against the particular type that Tori Hale had in mind. So when I proposed opening up several Bed and Breakfasts, all with the quaint, historic feel the town had always loved, the residents overwhelmingly voted yes.
The fourth one would go up on the land that I had just purchased this morning.
The town was thriving, business was booming, and as it turned out, I was a pretty good businessman. Who knew? I had asked Bree one night, smiling when the first vote had come back in support of my plan.
"I knew," she said quietly. "I knew." And she had. She had told me my voice mattered, and her love had made me believe it might be true. And sometimes, that's all it takes–one person who's willing to listen to your heart, to the sound no one else has ever tried to hear.
I plucked a dandelion full of fluff out of the grass beside me and smiled as I offered it to Bree. She tilted her head and her eyes warmed as she took it from my fingers and whispered, "All my wishes have already come true." She glanced at our boys and said, "This one is for them." She blew softly and the fluff danced into the air and was carried up to the summer sky.
My eyes met hers again and I put my hand on her belly, feeling our baby move beneath it.
It's a boy, you know, she said, smiling.
Probably. I grinned. I think that's all us Hale men make. You okay with that?
She smiled softly. Yeah, perfectly okay, she said, and then added, As long as there's only one in there, I'm okay if it's a goat. She laughed, looking over at the little duo still spinning on the grass, the ones who hadn't stopped moving since the day they came into the world. Little rabble rousers.
I laughed silently and then clapped my hands three times, getting their attention. Their little heads sprung up and they started yelling, "Daddy, Daddy!" while simultaneously signing the word.
They ran to me and I let them believe they knocked me over, going down on my back on the grass as they tackled me, laughing again, the beautiful sound ringing out through our property.
I sat up, bringing the boys with me. Which one of you men is going to help me with the construction today?
Me! Me! They both signed together.
Okay, good. We've got a lot of work to do if we're going to finish this addition by the time your little brother or sister comes. I put my hand out to them and they put their little dimpled hands on top of mine, looking up into my eyes seriously.
I took my hand away and signed, Brothers 'til the end, and they signed along just after me, looking solemn, serious.
That's right, I said. The most important pact there is.
Perhaps someday I'd have more of a relationship with my own brother. It had gotten better since I'd taken over the town and he'd become the Chief of Police, and even I knew that Travis loved his nephews, but we still had a ways to go.
My boys nodded their little heads, their golden brown eyes large in their faces–the two identical faces that looked just like my own. Even I couldn't deny it.
"Okay, you boys run inside. I'll be in to make you lunch while your daddy gets his tools," Bree said, sitting up in the hammock, laughing at herself when she fell backwards, unable to pull her weighted body up.
I grabbed her hand and pulled her into my arms, kissing her lips and falling in love with her, just like I still did a thousand times a day.
That evening four years ago in the Pelion church when Bree had walked down the candlelit aisle toward me on Norm's arm, taking my breath away, I had vowed that I'd love her forever, only her, and I meant it to the depths of my soul.
And even now, even with all of life's craziness and noise, even with my own job and Bree's thriving catering business, each night before I fall asleep, I make it a point to turn to my wife and silently say, Only you, only ever you. And her love slips quietly around me, holding me, anchoring me, reminding me that the loudest words are the ones we live.
Acknowledgements
Special, special thanks from the bottom of my heart, once again, to my Executive Editing Committee, Angela Smith and Larissa Kahle. I appreciate you both for making sure my grammar is clean and my words are spelled correctly, but more than anything, I appreciate the fact that two people who know my heart are editing my work. You understand better than anyone what I am trying to say and where I've inserted myself into the story. That is an immeasurable gift, and I'd like to think that my characters are stronger, my story clearer and what I have to offer of myself is conveyed. I am also lucky enough to have an amazing group of beta readers who were not only tough, but were thoughtful and connected to Bree and Archer's story, and gave invaluable advice, commentary and cheerleading when I needed it most; Elena Eckmeyer, Cat Bracht, Kim Parr, and Nikki Larazo–huge gratitude! Love, endless and forever, to my husband–my best friend, my muse, the man who has the biggest heart of anyone I know. Thank you for supporting me through this process and picking up all the slack around our home while I disappeared into my writing cave. You make everything possible.
Excerpt from: FIGHTING REDEMPTION by Kate McCarthy
Available Now
Ryan Kendall is broken. He understands pain. He knows the hand of violence and the ache of loss. He knows what it means to fail those who need you. Being broken doesn’t stop him wanting the one thing he can’t have; Finlay Tanner. Her smile is sweet and her future bright. She’s the girl he grew up with, the girl he loves, the girl he protects from the world, and from himself.
At nineteen, Ryan leaves to join the Australian Army. After years of training he becomes an elite SAS soldier and deploys to the Afghanistan war. His patrol undertakes the most dangerous missions a soldier can face. But no matter how far he runs, or how hard he fights, his need for Finlay won’t let go.
Returning home after six years, one look is all it takes to know he can’t live without her. But sometimes love isn’t enough to heal what hurts. Sometimes people like him can’t be fixed, and sometimes people like Finlay deserve more than what’s left.
This is a story about war and the cost of sacrifice. Where bonds are formed, and friendships found. Where those who are strong, fall hard. Where love is let go, heartache is born, and heroes are made. Where one man learns that the hardest fight of all, is the fight to save himself.
This book is recommended for 18+ due to adult language and themes.
Please note: K McCarthy is an Australian author and Australian spelling, language and slang has been used in this book.
PROLOGUE
Not wishing to invite attention or conversation, she stood alone, adrift from the crowd—vulnerable. Dressed casually in fitted jeans and an emerald green cardigan, she was tall and a little on the slim side. Her tousled blonde waves were tied in a careless knot at the nape of her neck as though she hadn’t given it a second thought, yet the effect was effortlessly beautiful. Shivering from the cold, she wrapped her arms around her body, hands moving up and down to keep warm. Green eyes remained focused on one thing, her watchful gaze never deviating from its direction. Some followed her line of sight and smiled indulgently. One man, after seeing what caught her attention, changed his mind about approaching her.
All of a sudden she smiled, wide, vibrant. The way it lit up her face drew the attention of those around her. It was like you’d been given the gift of seeing the sun radiate brilliant rays through dark clouds. It changed her demeanour completely and was enough to take your breath away. Her arms unfolded, the golden flecks in her eyes sparkling with life, and she appeared less isolated and more approachable. It made you wish it was you she was smiling at. That you were the one she needed to light up her entire soul from the inside out.
“Mummy, mummy!” yelled a little boy.
People turned at his shout seeing a toddler starting to lose his baby fat and heading towards lean, his windblown, dark brown hair curling softly over his ears. His cheeks were rosy from the cold, and his brown eyes were filled with delight as he ran towards the beautiful, solitary woman. You wouldn’t have picked the resemblance until she smiled. Her profile and the same delight in her eyes told you how much they belonged together.
“Hey, my baby.” She laughed, leaning down to catch him as he jumped into her arms.
“Tell me again, Mummy,” he demanded as she stood back up, the little boy happily settled on her hip, his place in her arms firmly and familiarly established.
“Again, sweetie?”
He wriggled impatiently. “Pease, Mummy. Wanna hear ‘bout Daddy.”
“Okay,” she agreed.
She shifted over to a nearby seat and sat down, the little boy settling on her lap. Patiently while he fidgeted and squirmed before getting comfortable, she took the time to tuck a loose wave behind her ear and breathe deeply to calm the racing of her heart.
“Ready?”
At his nod her smile dimmed, turning from indulgent to bittersweet, and a light sheen of tears stung her eyes. She closed them for a brief moment, composing herself, before blinking them back open to begin the tale.
“Your daddy was an SAS soldier with the Australian Army. Now these soldiers aren’t just your ordinary, everyday soldiers. These are the toughest, strongest men that ever lived. They—”
He interrupted with the same question he’d asked the last time she told her tale. “Stronger than SEALS right, mummy?”
“Yes, honey. The very best,” she replied at the interruption. This time, she expanded a little further. “Not just strong of body, though, sweetheart, but strong of mind...” she pointed to her temple “...and strong of heart.” She pointed to her heart. “But your father always said that being a soldier is never just about strength. It’s also about knowing what you want, how hard you’re willing to work for it, and what you’re willing to sacrifice for it.” She choked over the last words and faltered.
The little boy placed a chubby hand on her cheek. “You ‘kay, Mummy?”
She swallowed the sadness that formed a lump in her throat and forced a smile for her son. “Yes, little man, Mummy is okay. In fact, Mummy is going to be just fine.” She ran a loving fingertip down the soft, precious skin of his cheek. “Your father wanted to be an SAS soldier so much. More than he even wanted to breathe.”
“What’s breathe, Mummy?”
“See this?” She drew in a deep breath and exhaled noisily into his hair so he giggled. “That’s breathing. Breathing helps keep your heart beating, sweetheart.”
His big, dark eyes peered up at her intently, and her heart ached. “Did Daddy’s heart beat too, Mummy?”
She swallowed another lump at the memory of the words forever etched into her heart. “Your daddy once told me that his heart only beat for one thing.”
“What was that?”
“I’ll tell you.”
She began the rest of the story …
CHAPTER ONE
Approximately 5 years earlier
Forward Operating Base (FOB) Khost
Eastern Afghanistan
“Yo, Kendall!” Jake called out.
Ryan turned and gave him the finger. Jake hadn’t shut up the entire afternoon. He’d been trying to tune him out, but Jake was a relentless bastard. Always had been.
Jake shook his head in mock disgust. “That all you got, mate?”
Ryan chuckled and turned back, continuing behind their Troop Commander, Paul “Monty” Montgomery, as he set the pace along the Pakistani border. Monty was enough to inspire confidence in any soldier—fit and experienced with uncanny instincts. He’d proven himself numerous times under fire. Relying on Monty to make split-second decisions—whether to fire or hold ground, push forward or retreat—was reassuring as f*ck.
Twenty-five long days they’d been in the field now, finishing up their final patrol before heading back to base. Their SAS team was tasked with reconnaissance. Gathering intelligence on the Taliban in the mountains of Eastern Afghanistan was notoriously dangerous.
The air was dry and hot, and the mountains rocky and a pain in the ass to navigate under the cover of night. And the dust—f*ck, he was over it. It got in his hair, his clothes, and even his ass crack, making the trek that much more uncomfortable.
“Is that all I got?” Ryan raised his brows at Jake as they kept up the punishing pace. “It’ll hold you for now.”
“I need more than that to hold me. I need a drink and something to f*cking eat.”
Ryan’s stomach grumbled in reply, rolling over with a loud, queasy thump. Rations had been depleted two days ago, and he’d been pushing away visions of thick steaks and hot chips ever since. “Don’t talk about food.”
“How much further ‘til we hit our extraction zone, Monty?” Jake called out quietly.
“Two k’s,” Monty replied without allowing his focus on their surroundings to waver. Despite the talk, the hunger, and the exhaustion, his entire team remained alert and vigilant. The thought of an action being the cause of an injury or death was their worst nightmare—simply unthinkable. But that shit happened, and when it did, Ryan was just that much more determined to keep being a soldier. They all had more to fight for than a war—they were fighting for those they’d lost too.
“I can handle that,” Jake replied. “Not so sure about Kendall here. He’s looking a bit weak and tired. Maybe we need to stop so he can have a nanna nap.”
With a back aching from the heavy weight of his pack, Ryan turned and rolled his dark brown eyes at Jake.
Jake grinned in reply, his teeth white against the filthy camouflage covering his face. Jake was a good looking sonofabitch—choppy blond hair, green eyes, and a movie star smile. It fooled most because he was a tough, determined bastard with more drive in his pinky finger than any other a*shole that made it through SAS selection. Jake could out-run, out-shoot, and out-lift all of them. He was only one of a handful that made it through the hell that was SAS selection.
“Good one, a*shole,” Ryan muttered. “Why don’t you quit eyeballing my ass and keep your mind to the f*cking terrain.”
After a few moments of peace, a loud thunk broke the silence and a quiet “f*ck” was muttered. They turned and laughs rang out at their team sniper, Chris Galloway, on his hands and knees, palms no doubt bleeding from the sharp rocks. He stood and dusted his hands on his Army issue fatigues.
“Go f*ck yourselves,” he said with a rueful grin.
“Christ. No talk about f*cking. I’m horny,” Kyle moaned.
“You’re a sick bastard, Brooks,” Jake told Kyle.
Kyle grinned and grabbed his crotch. “No sicker than you.”
Ryan tuned them out for a while, concentrating on keeping his feet moving, until Jake’s voice filled the silence again. “Gonna Skype Fin when we get back. You should say hello to her, Kendall. You never do.”
The old familiar ache at the mention of Jake’s sister taunted him, and he shoved it away. “Why the f*ck would I want to do that? You Skype enough for all of us combined...” he shook his head “...chattering like a f*cking girl.”
Ryan had no intention of talking to Finlay Tanner, and he was desperate to keep it that way. Six impossibly long years had passed since he walked out of her life. Despite not having seen her since, Ryan thought of her constantly, the ache of missing her hurting a little more each day. The never ending loneliness he felt had been his choice, and he forced himself to live with it. Being a soldier like his grandfather had been Ryan’s dream for as long as he could remember. Like blinking or breathing, it was just there, living inside him, giving his body a reason to function. He couldn’t let anything stand in the way of it. Yet Fin almost had, without him even realising it until it was almost too late.
Jake interrupted his thoughts. “Too bad. I’ll drag you there if I have to. Maybe Fin might be able to get a smile out of you, considering my jokes are wasted on your sorry ass.”
“I can smile.” Ryan turned and bared his teeth, locking his thoughts of Fin into the box of precious memories tucked inside him—an almost impossible feat with Jake being her older brother. They looked so much alike, down to sharing the same cheeky sparkle of life in their matching green eyes. “Besides, I told you to quit eyeballing my ass. Next thing you’ll be getting a boner over it.”
“F*ck. I’m trying to get you to smile, not get all impressed over my monster dick.”
“Jesus, your sister is f*cking hot. I’d do more than Skype her,” Kyle called out from the back of the pack with a grin.
Ryan opened his mouth, ready to tell Kyle to keep his hands to himself, but Jake beat him to it.
“F*ck you, Brooks,” Jake called back. “My sister is too smart for your fat, ugly ass, and if you ever got anywhere near her, I’d chop your tiny f*cking dick off.”
Kyle Brooks, made up of nothing but rock solid muscle, laughed. “Tiny? You’d need a magnifying glass to see yours. And I wish it was f*cking.”
“Keep it in your pants,” Connor, the final member of their six man team, told him. Connor was their patrol signaller and went by “Tex” to the troops because he’d been born in Texas. Tex had moved to Australia when he was five to live with his aunt and uncle after his parents, both Australian expats, died in a car accident.
Eventually they reached their extraction point, and hearing the woomph, woomph, woomph of the Black Hawk helicopter, Ryan set off a small smoke grenade to reveal their position.
Once inside the big camouflaged beast, the chopper lifted off and he held on, his stomach lurching as they launched hard right into the sky. The wind fluttered his short, dark hair, and he lifted his head, revelling in the rush of the ride.
On their way back to base, Ryan’s thoughts once again returned to Fin and the day he’d met her.
He’d been ten years old and even at that age his dream of being a soldier had already taken hold. Life at home was a nightmare he couldn’t wait to escape from. His parents fought constantly, and he was always getting caught in the crossfire. His dad was an a*shole and a drunk. Most kids his age got grounded, but Ryan wasn’t that lucky. He got the belt, and if his dad was drunk enough, he got a fist. He did his best to hide it—the bruising, the fractures, and the painful welts—because he had a plan. He was going to get out and see places. He would become someone that would make a difference. At school he’d been popular, excelling at sports and grades. None of it came easy. Ryan wanted to close himself off from the world, yet he persevered, working hard at all of it, slowly building his escape.
Then Fin stumbled into his life, and he almost lost focus. It had been the first day of the school year. Ryan and his friends were congregated in front of the school, leaning against the red brick building or sitting by the top of the stairs, unwilling to give up their last moments of freedom by going inside.
A young girl, blonde hair tumbling over her shoulders in messy waves, approached the stairs and caught Ryan’s eye. Having never seen her before, he watched curiously. Her steps were awkward, timid even. His eyes fell to her hands. The knuckles were white where they gripped the shoulder straps of her bag. She took the first step on the stairs, stumbled over her shoelace, and fell to her knees.
Teasing laughter rang out behind him as her hands planted hard on the steps to catch her fall. She lifted her head, wide green eyes looking right at him. His chest tightened at the sweet vulnerability in her face. Something about her had him wanting to reach out and hide her behind his back, like the world would have to get through him before anything could touch her.
“Shut up,” Ryan growled over his shoulder to his friends and made his way down the stairs to help her.
Reaching the second step from the bottom, he held out a hand, palm up, and waited. Her eyes moved from Ryan’s face to his hand before reaching out and taking it in hers. Her hand was tiny, disappearing when his fingers closed around it.
“Th-thank you,” she stammered as he helped her to her feet.
“Maybe you should keep your shoelaces tied in the future,” he told her sharply, hiding his confusion behind a frown. The immediate attachment he felt left him unsettled.
“Fin!” The girl turned and around the corner came a boy who looked just like her, except taller. His eyes fell on their joined hands, his brows drawn. “What’s going on?” Ryan let go hastily as the blond boy turned his focus on him. “Who the hell are you?”
Ryan folded his arms as he stepped back, distancing himself from the both of them. “I was just helping her. She fell up the stairs.”
“Seriously?” The boy rolled his eyes and nudged her shoulder. “School hasn’t even started yet. Are you okay?”
“Sorry,” she mumbled, averting her face. A lock of hair fell into her eyes, and Ryan watched as she tucked it behind her ear, revealing her flushed cheeks.
“Thanks, dude,” he said. “I’m Jake.” He jerked his thumb at the younger girl. “This is my sister Finlay.”
“You’re new?”
“Yup. Just moved here from Sydney.”
Ryan nodded. “I’m Ryan.”
The school bell rang, shrilling its warning to get inside. Not wishing to make new friends, Ryan turned and started up the stairs, anxious to leave the pair.
Jake quickly fell into step beside him, already appearing comfortable in Ryan’s company. Glancing sideways at Ryan, he asked, “What grade are you in?”
“Five,” Ryan replied curtly, picking up the pace. Jake kept up alongside him, and feeling stupid for being rude, Ryan asked, “You?”
Jake grinned. “Same. Fin here…” he nodded at where she followed quietly behind the two of them “…starts grade three.”
Loud and quick to laugh, Jake was hard to ignore. They became fast friends before Ryan even realised it was happening. When they talked about the future, he found himself trusting Jake enough to talk about his dream. Impressed and excited, Jake shared it with him—both of them making a vow to one day join the Army together.
The beatings didn’t go away though, and there was only so much you could hide from your best friend. A game of basketball in the driveway revealed a set of bruised ribs when they were twelve. Jake had a hand shoved in Ryan’s chest as he leaped for the basket. Doing his best to block the shot, Ryan shoved back and they both went crashing to the ground. Jake’s elbow caught him hard, and Ryan curled into a ball, stifling the cry of pain.
“Dude, what the f*ck?”
His stomach rolling, Ryan blinked, focusing on Jake’s face peering down at him.
“You okay?”
Frowning, Jake’s eyes fell to where Ryan cradled his ribs, as though trying to keep the pain from getting loose. Grabbing the hem of Ryan’s shirt, he shoved it upwards and his eyes went wide.
“You can’t say anything,” Ryan whispered, not looking at him.
“Who did this?”
They sat there in the driveway, the sun fading warmly in the humid afternoon as Ryan told Jake what happened to his family. He kept it brief, holding onto the basketball and twirling it in his hands as he spoke.
From that day on, Ryan spent most of his time at the Tanners’. Their home in Cottesloe became his refuge—the one place he never felt worthless, only welcome … and safe. Ryan would stay over often. While everyone slept, he could let the hurt he hid so well rise to the surface. The tears he kept back would spill over, falling silently down his face and soaking the pillow.
Jake, it seemed, had it all. Ryan tried not to let jealousy eat him up because Jake was sharing it with him. Mike and Julie Tanner became like parents to him. Mike was tall and broad, fit from years of playing rugby at national level. He settled into a career of physiotherapy, but he got both Jake and Ryan into the sport. He would ferry them both to and from rugby training, sometimes staying to help out. Jake and Fin got their green eyes from their father, but their blond hair came from Julie. She worked as a personal assistant, but she still found time to get involved in team administration: sorting sign-ups, uniforms, and coordinating schedules.
Spending most of his time at the Tanners’ meant growing up with Fin. Fin was quiet and not quick to make friends like Jake was. She was the person who sat back until she had you figured out. Ryan knew the moment she was comfortable in his company. The lowering of her eyes around him stopped. Instead, he watched them fill with light and laughter, revealing a personality beneath that was just like Jake’s, only softer. It was a side she didn’t show many people, and he felt special being the one to see it.
Fin would spend time hanging out with them. Jake would get irritated with her tagging along all the time, but Ryan didn’t mind. He liked having her nearby where he could watch out for her, or just simply watch her. He was fascinated at seeing the way her brain ticked over, absorbing life with her smart, analytical mind. Fin seemed to have swallowed the world encyclopaedia, spitting out facts at random moments and making him laugh. She saw things in a way he never could—with an open heart and a smile.
Eventually, Fin found her group of friends. They would sit around in her room on weekends, playing boy band music that made him and Jake gag. In retaliation, Jake would turn their own music up until the walls started thumping. It usually ended with Mike yelling up the stairs to “turn that bloody crap off.”
If their music wasn’t painful enough, the giggles started. With Jake and him lazing on the couch in the living room watching television, the girls would walk by and break out in squeals of laughter before dashing quickly away. Jake would roll his eyes and ignore them, but Ryan always had a smile for Fin. He liked that her eyes would brighten when she smiled back. It warmed the coldest part of him, the part buried so deep it rarely saw the light of day.
When he was fourteen, Fin started coming to rugby matches. She would bring her study books and sit so quietly you’d forget she was there. But Ryan never forgot. Prickles of awareness would tingle down his spine whenever she was close. When he glanced her way from the rugby field, she was watching him, and a pretty flush began accompanying the bright smiles she gave him.
He was sixteen when he realised the tightening in his chest when he looked at Fin was not how you would feel towards a sister. One simple word echoed in his head when he thought of her. Mine. That urge to protect didn’t just grow hotter and brighter, it burned him like a possessive punch to the gut, and at their weekend rugby match it caught fire.
Fin was sitting quietly, her study books spread out as she did her thing. In the middle of the game, Ryan caught two boys his age knocking the books off the table. If he had a second, he would’ve taken it to admire her. It seemed his Fin had a voice. She stood up, shouting as she jabbed a finger at the one closest. He got in her space, tugging a lock of her pretty hair. Ryan saw bright, burning red—every protective instinct in his young body firing like a rocket. With dark eyes blazing, he passed the ball, ran right off the field, and started swinging.
Although missing what happened, Jake immediately had Ryan’s back. Joining in the fight, wild punches were thrown until they were all pulled apart. The match had to be halted, and in the end, Ryan’s team had to forfeit the game.
Ryan disappeared that afternoon, needing to distance himself from the Tanners and not knowing how. He couldn’t think of Fin as his. He couldn’t feel that way. Ryan had to focus on fighting his way out of this town. How could he do that if Fin owned his heart?
Staying away didn’t work. Ryan was too entrenched in their lives. So he watched Fin grow older. Her slight frame grew taller and filled out a little. Her hair, usually tied off her face, was left to hang in thick golden sheets down her back. He would find his eyes dropping to her mouth constantly, his heart thumping as he imagined leaning in and kissing her.
By eighteen Ryan ached constantly with the need to touch her. He could barely meet her eyes anymore for fear of her seeing the craving in his. It didn’t help when Fin and her posse of friends sprawled under the sun in the backyard. Stripped down to bikinis, they would giggle and chatter lazily as they watched Ryan, Jake, and their friends play cricket. Ryan would wish they were playing rugby instead. That way he could at least tackle his friends when he caught them looking Fin’s way.
Then the day Ryan feared came all too soon. Fin got asked out on her first date.
The five of them were sitting down at the table eating dinner when she told them. Ryan’s jaw clenched at the news. He stared blindly at his dinner plate, his appetite suddenly disappearing. The urge to push away from the table so he could hurt in private overwhelmed him.
“No,” Mike replied firmly.
Ryan closed his eyes, relief rushing through him.
“But, Dad—”
“You’re only sixteen,” Mike pointed out with a shake of his head. “That’s too young for dating.”
Fin looked at Julie. “Mum—”
“Honey,” she said softly. “How about you give it another year before you think about that, okay?”
Another year? Ryan could live with that. Another year and he would be gone. He wouldn’t have to stand by and watch Fin give to someone else what should be his. The thought of someone else kissing her and touching her made him feel sick.
With dinner finished Fin pushed away from the table. Ryan watched her stride through the living room and out to the backyard.
Jake looked at him across the table and nodded upstairs. “Ghost Recon rematch?”
“Sure.” Ryan’s eyes fell on Fin sitting cross-legged outside in the grass, and he felt a tug at his heart. With Jake already at the stairs, he said, “Be up in sec, okay?”
“Okay,” Jake called out, disappearing towards his room.
With Mike and Julie chattering quietly in the kitchen, Ryan made his way outside. Fin looked up at his approach and he sat down at her side.
“Are you okay?”
She nodded silently, plucking at the fat blades of grass Jake had mowed that very morning.
“Who asked you out?”
Fin shrugged. “Does it matter?”
Of course it mattered. No one would ever be good enough for her, not even him, and despite Ryan wanting to be, it wasn’t ever going to happen. He swallowed the sudden burst of anger before he choked on it. “I guess not,” he lied.
“Ryan?”
“Mmm?”
“All my friends are starting to date, but I … I’m not sure if I’m ready for that um … stuff yet. I can’t bring myself to care too much about it.” She looked sideways at him, her cheeks flushing. “Does that make me weird?”
“No,” he replied quickly, his fists unclenching at her words.
Why was she telling him? He was the last person she should be talking to about this stuff. Ryan wasn’t a virgin. Neither was Jake. They both had their fair share of girls chasing them. Sex was good, but for him it was never more than that. Ryan could let himself go physically, but emotionally he was never in the moment. Knowing that Fin would be subjected to guys that felt the same way made his blood run cold.
He plucked at the same blades of grass and tossed them at her. She looked up from beneath her long, pretty lashes, firing a grin his way that tripped his heart.
“What do you care about?” he asked.
She tossed some blades of grass back his way, chuckling softly as he brushed it out of his hair, bits of green falling in his lap. “Promise not to laugh?”
He crossed his heart silently and waited.
“I want to be a scientist.”
Ryan’s chest expanded with pride. Fin was so smart. She could do anything she wanted. “Why would I laugh at that?”
“Because my best friend Rachael did.” She bit down on her lip but they twitched a little. “She thinks I’m so clumsy I’ll blow up a lab or something.”
He laughed then. Fin was clumsy. Crashing her way around a lab was highly possible.
Fin punched his shoulder.
“Ouch.” He winced, pretending it hurt, and rubbed his shoulder. “What sort of scientist anyway?”
“Environmental or marine. I’m not sure. Maybe I’ll study both.”
Ryan grinned. “You’re a nerd.”
An utterly beautiful, adorable, clumsy nerd.
She straightened her shoulders and returned his grin. “I am a nerd and proud of it, so there.”
“Fin.”
“What?”
Ryan shook his head, swallowing the lump rising in his throat. He was so close to kissing that grin off her lips he couldn’t stand it. “Nothing.”
Fin fell back on the grass, her hair fanning out around her. Her eyes on the stars, she asked, “What about you, Ryan?”
“What about me?” he quipped.
“What do you care about?”
Ryan stretched out beside her and found his hand reaching for hers; it was so tiny and smooth in his. The warmth of it sent flutters through his stomach. He squeezed her hand, fighting the sensation.
“Being in the Army. Being a soldier.”
You.
“That’s it?”
“Yep. That’s it.”
“I already know that. Tell me something new.”
Ryan glanced across at her, finding her eyes on him. “There is nothing new. I want to get out, Fin. I need to. I can’t live at that place for much longer. I’m tired of the fighting and the yelling, the alcohol and the …”
“He hits you.”
Ryan closed his eyes, hating that she knew—hoping she didn’t see him as someone weak and helpless for putting up with it. He would never tell her why his family fell apart and why his father turned into such a lousy drunk. He couldn’t stand her knowing and looking at him differently.
“I want to be SAS,” he replied eventually, deliberately ignoring her statement. “The best there is. There are countries full of people unable to fight for themselves. I want to be there to do it for them in the only way that can make a difference.”
Rolling to her side, she cupped his cheek with her hand. “Ryan,” she whispered. His heart pounded as her eyes searched his face. Unable to summon any restraint, he turned his head and pressed a soft kiss against her palm, feeling her shiver at the intimate touch.
After a beat of silence, his eyes lost in hers, Ryan came to his senses and pulled back.
“I better get back inside,” he stammered, and scrambling to his feet, left her sitting there by herself.
After that he was careful about being alone with her, but then Fin turned seventeen and she got her first date. Jake and Ryan were nineteen by then and rarely home on a weekend, but they were both home that Saturday night to see Ian come collect her. The guy had been in the year below them at school. He was tall and outgoing, with broad shoulders and a wide chest from playing rugby. From what Ryan knew of him, he was actually a nice guy, but that didn’t stop the urge Ryan felt to pound him into the ground.
That one date turned into another, and another, until Ian was over at the Tanners’ almost as much as he was. Ryan felt sick seeing Ian kiss her, wrap his arms around her waist, make her smile like he used to do. It was Ian causing a flush to fill her cheeks in a way that was no longer awkward, but charming and sexy.
Ryan wanted to punch him. Hard. Over and over. That was how he knew it was time to leave.
Two weeks later, he packed his belongings and stole his way into Fin’s room. She wasn’t there, so he stretched out on her bed, hands tucked behind his head, eyes trained on the ceiling, and waited.
It was midnight when she came through the door, giggling as she read a message on her phone. Finished, she tossed it on her bedside table and froze when she caught him lying there in the dark.
He heard her breath catch. “Ryan?”
The lamp by her bed switched on, coating the room in a warm, cozy glow. Fin was illuminated, her skin golden in the soft light, her cheeks flushed with happiness.
“What are you …” She trailed off after meeting his eyes. He knew what she saw. He couldn’t hold any of it back—regret, heartache, and loss for something that had never been his.
“You’re leaving,” she choked out.
Ryan couldn’t speak. He watched her stride to the open window, its sheer white curtains billowing. Staring out into the night, she wiped away tears that spilled over and ran down her cheeks.
He blinked, his own eyes burning. “I’m sorry,” he said eventually.
Fin turned and walked across the room. Sinking to the edge of the bed, she stared down at her hands. “When?”
Ryan unlocked his hands from behind his head and reached for her, pulling her down beside him. She stretched out, tucking her head under his chin. Closing his eyes, he breathed her in, allowing his arms to wrap around her. “In the morning.”
Fin’s hand fisted in his shirt as she let out a sob.
“I have to do this,” he whispered hoarsely. He trailed his fingers through her hair and touched his lips to her forehead.
She started to wipe away the tears on her face, and Ryan took hold of her hand, stilling her. “You understand, don’t you, Fin, why I have to do this?”
Ryan needed to know that she understood he wasn’t leaving her, he was leaving his past, and trying to build a new future with the Army.
“I do.” She choked again and buried her face in his neck, sobs breaking free.
“Don’t,” he whispered thickly. “Please don’t cry. You have such a big future ahead of you. You’re going to do big things with your life. Don’t let anyone stop you from being who you need to be, okay?”
Fin nodded into his neck.
Ryan pushed back so he could look her in the eye. He wouldn’t be there to watch over her anymore, so he needed to know she would look out for herself. “Promise me, Fin.”
“I promise.”
Satisfied, he reached out and switched off the lamp. Thrust into sudden darkness, Ryan laced his fingers in hers and held her close. When her tears dried up, she drifted off into a deep slumber. In the early hours of the morning, he pressed a soft kiss to her cheek, and disentangling himself, he left the room. Having already said his goodbyes to Mike and Julie earlier in the evening, Ryan clicked the door shut softly behind him and left the house, careful not to look back.
That was the last he saw of Finlay Tanner.
A month later Jake joined him on the other side of the country. After three years of hard work in the Army, they went through the SAS selection. Ryan found himself thriving under the mental and physical challenge. Sometimes a mere five percent made it through the three weeks. The Regiment had standards—high ones. Ones that wouldn’t be compromised no matter how low their numbers got.
Nine months before the selection course, the screening process began. Jake and Ryan trained for months—lifting weights, donning packs that weighed into the tens of kilos, and running miles over mountainous rocky terrain. Together they built endurance, mental strength, and a powerful physique, making them a formidable team.
Nearing the end of selection, Ryan was exhausted and almost sure he wasn’t going to survive it. He could see his dream slipping through his fingers, and he was so utterly beaten down, he almost couldn’t give a shit.
Then Jake came up beside him, his eyes lighting up in a wide grin, and said, “Don’t let this shit beat you, Kendall. Dig deep and show these cunts how it’s done.”
So he did, and after losing a massive ten kilograms over the three weeks, they made it through together.
After extensive training operations, their first deployment into Afghanistan arrived. Ryan didn’t sleep once during the entire trip over. Blood fired in his veins, and his heart beat so hard and so fast he thought it would thump out of his chest.
The Commanding Officer briefed the entire team honestly. Saying “conditions were extremely dangerous and casualties were to be expected.” That “you will be forced in a split second to determine a pregnant woman from a suicide bomber, traverse fields covered with IEDs that will blow you apart in seconds” and finished with “some of you will be killed.”
But none of his team had even been injured, and now here he was on his second deployment, right where he belonged.
“Ryan!”
He blinked.
“Ryan!”
Coming back from the past, he realised the Black Hawk had landed back at base and everyone was leaping out.
After a team debrief and hot shower, Ryan was walking past the computer room and heard Jake’s shout of laughter. He paused, closing his eyes when he heard Fin’s laugh ring out in return.
They were returning to Australia in two weeks. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to go home and see her. Just this once.
Fighting Redemption is available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, iTunes Bookstore, Kobo and Smashwords
If you would like to contact Kate McCarthy, she can be found online at:
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Blog: http://katemccarthy.net
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