I can't believe Luna would do that," Stormy said the following evening when I met her at the Mansion. She was in her room touching up her makeup, and Alexander was still getting ready to go out with me.
She was disillusioned in her friend. "I knew you couldn't trust Jagger," she continued. "But Luna. How could I have been so wrong about her?"
"Well, she was always good to you," I tried to assure her, standing next to her at her dresser. "It's just that she's not so good to others."
"But if she isn't good to you - then that is wrong."
"I think she feels she's doing the right thing." I wasn't sure why I was sticking up for Luna. Maybe it was only to comfort Stormy's feelings. "Anyway, they were offering me something I wanted," I said, "just with the wrong guy."
Stormy had the life I had dreamed of. A casket sat in the middle of the wall where normally a bed would be. I sat down on the edge of her chaise.
"What do you want?" she asked, sitting next to me.
"To become a vampire."
"You really want to be one?" Her expression brightened.
"Yes," I said. "I always have. But I want to with Alexander."
"You'd change for Alexander?" She was shocked.
"Yes. But that doesn't mean I wouldn't want to be with him regardless."
"But you would become a vampire? Willingly?" she asked, surprised.
"Yeah. I've wanted it all my life."
"Even before you met Alexander?"
"Yes, but I'd only want to be a vampire with him," I said emphatically.
She grabbed my hand. "I didn't know you wanted to be like us, too."
"Exactly like you. Cool, nice, and living amongst your own."
"Does Alexander know this?"
"Yes. I've told him a hundred times."
"Then what is my brother waiting for?"
"He wants it to be the right time. And for the right reason."
"But if that's want you want - and he does, too - then why is he being so stubborn?"
"He thinks I won't like it. And that I'll blame him. He feels too much pressure."
"I guess..."
"But I know I will be happy. In fact, getting to know you has really convinced me how much I'd like it."
"You mean that?"
"Yes. You are the most fabulous girl ever," I said, using her favorite compliment.
"Not as fabulous as you."
"Really?"
"Yes. If I were a mortal, I'd want to be like you."
We smiled at each other, and Stormy blushed a little bit.
"And if I were a vampire - "
"But you can be!" Stormy interrupted.
"I'm not so sure he's ready." I sighed.
"You must tell him. Now. You must make sure he knows how important it is to you. Then we can be one big happy family." Just then Alexander entered the room. Stormy and I rose, and I headed over to him. "What's going on?" he asked, kissing me on the cheek.
"Girl talk," Stormy said.
"Aren't you supposed to be with Jameson getting tutored?" he asked.
"Yes," she said. "Remember what I said," she whispered to me, and winked before she hopped down the stairs.
"I see you two are getting along."
"Yes, we really see eye to eye," I said, beaming.
A few minutes later, Alexander and I were talking in the gazebo in the backyard of the Mansion.
"I still can't believe Jagger had you up on the covenant altar," he said, shaking his head. "After all he and I have been through. To do that to you - and me."
"I know."
"I'm just glad we came in when we did - but it seems you were able to handle yourself."
"It was more of an offer - " I said. "But still it was wrong. I had to get out the garlic powder for him to know I was serious, too." The offer was attractive, and though I didn't want to become a vampire with Jagger, I was flattered that someone wanted to change me. I knew Alexander did, but Jagger was offering it to me only last night. It was something I couldn't shake. If Jagger wanted it, thought about it, and tried to make it happen, did that mean Alexander would, too?
"But why would he think that you would do that with him?" he asked.
"He just thinks of himself," I said. "But I also think that somehow he understands me."
"What do you mean by that?" Alexander was taken aback.
"He can see that it's really what I want. What I've always wanted."
"You don't think I understand you?"
"Of course I do. But I guess he's more impulsive. Like Sebastian. That's what makes you so special - your thoughtfulness," I said.
"Well, when it's time for you to turn," he said reassuringly, "it will be by me." The stars twinkled through the broken boards in the roof. The night was perfect, and Alexander was giving me the dreamiest kiss I could have imagined receiving.
He slid his fangs down the side of my neck. As usual I was dying for him to take the plunge. When he pulled away, I followed him.
He slid his fangs down the side of my neck. As usual I was dying for him to take the plunge. When he pulled away, I followed him.
"I know your parents, your best friend, and now your sister," I began. "Unless you are hiding a brother and a dog, I think I've met your whole family."
"What do you mean?"
"Maybe now's the time. I see Stormy and how she lives. I want that life for me."
"You want to be isolated and in constant threat of being found out you are a vampiou yore?"
"No. I want the other part. To sleep in a coffin by day and be awake all night. To live by candlelight. To be a part of the Underworld. I have craved these things all my life. I want to share that with you and your family and friends."
"But don't you already?"
"Luna has Romeo, and Becky has Matt. They are all sharing the same world. But us? We are trapped in our own separate human and vampire lives. Forced to live without being together as much as we could be if we were truly part of the same world."
"I know," he concurred. "I miss out on so much in your life, being stuck alone in my coffin while you're at school. I should be there eating lunch with you, studying, hanging out."
"That's how I feel about my life, too. If only I was a vampire, then I wouldn't be rotting away in school all day when I could be sharing a coffin with you, celebrating the night together, and be bonded together for eternity."
"I know I can never be a normal, mortal student. Maybe it's for the best, though. I'd be the dumbest guy in school. I wouldn't get any work done because all day I'd be staring at you."
It was sweet that Alexander wished he could live in my world. But I was dying to join his just as much as he longed for mine. "Well... I'm not sure it is for the best," I said.
"You're not?"
I faced Alexander straight on and stared into his chocolate eyes. "Even if you can't be a mortal, why couldn't I become a vampire?" Alexander knew better than to answer.
I'd asked him a million times before, but tonight I was determined to know. I pressed further. "Don't you see? We could be together not only for eternity - but for every day."
When Alexander didn't respond, I continued. "Think of all that we are missing. Becky sees Matt every day at school and on the weekends." The more I thought about it, the more serious I became.
"I know. It's hard for me, too."
"It doesn't have to be anymore. This is something we can do for us. You and me. It doesn't matter what others will think. You said you didn't have the covenant ceremony with Luna because you were waiting to find the right someone. I thought I was that someone."
"You are. Don't ever think you aren't."
Even Stormy was convinced of that, I thought. All I had to do was to make my vampire boyfriend really understanallconvid how important this was for me.
"Then why not turn me?" I asked. I was more forceful than I had ever been with Alexander regarding this issue.
"It is hard for me, too, Raven. Since I first saw you. I told you, I crave you in a way you can't even imagine."
"Then let me finally fulfill that need."
"But don't you think you're too young to make such a life-changing decision? It's not only a life decision but an eternal one as well."
"Of course I'm not too young. I'm seventeen. I'm almost old enough to vote or join the military. Is there an age minimum on making decisions?"
"But you have to really consider everything. What if you don't like being a vampire?" he asked as if he was plagued with this concern.
"What's there not to like?" I asked. I knew he and I had often discussed whether the lifestyle I craved was the lifestyle I'd ultimately be happy with. But I knew I would.
"What if you hate it and then blame me?" he asked.
"Is that what this is about? That I will regret being bitten?"
"No ... and yes. It's both. You would be giving up everything. It's so much pressure."
"For you or me?"
"For us both."
"But don't you see you've been the one changing all along? You've stayed here in Dullsville when you could have returned home to Romania. You've left yourself in isolation without friends or family and only Jameson to keep you company. Now it's my turn to change."
"But people have different opinions as they grow. You might like vampires now, but what if you don't like them in the future and you're stuck being one for eternity?"
"I've been the same person since I was born. You know me, and I know myself. I don't follow trends. Believe me, my life would have been so much easier if I had been willing to do that. I could have been popular, maybe, not the outcast that I am," I said, reflecting. "Who knows? The one thing I know is that ever since I can remember, I've wanted to be a vampire. And I still do. And I've always wanted to be in love - and when I saw you, I knew that no matter what or who you were, I had to be with you forever. I may be impulsive, but I'm not fickle. I'll be seventy and still be wearing miniskirts and combat boots and wanting to be a vampire."
Alexander laughed, but I was serious.
he the on
"I need to know," I asked, looking him right in the eyes. "Are we on the same path?" I was as surprised as he was by my forcefulness. But I remembered my and Becky's conversation about our futures. We'd have to be thinking of college soon and what we wanted to pursue for our futures. Did Alexander want the same things I did? Did he want me to share those things with him?
I was as excited about his impending answer as I was afraid of it. If he wavered or was unsure, how would that make me feel? He'd taken my blood as his own, but would he ultimately go further? Would I be able to really become a vampire, or would we just continue to share our different worlds together?
"I need to know," I said again. Jagger's offer was flattering but not something I'd really consider since I loved Alexander. And now that Stormy wanted me to be part of the Underworld, I realized the only one who was reticent about my being turned was my one true love.
"What do you mean?"
"I want to know how you feel about our future."
"I thought you knew," he said with a sad expression.
I did know Alexander wanted us to be together, but I wanted to make sure he also wanted me to be a vampire - his vampire. I felt my blood boil. I wanted to be a vampire so badly that I needed the reassurance that I would be one day. "I just want you to tell me ... that it will happen!"
"You want me to bite you now - or else?" he pressed.
"No, it isn't really an ultimatum. But how long am I supposed to wait?" I blurted out.
If I was turned when I was thirty, wouldn't that be good enough? I wondered. But even that seemed like light-years away from now.
He held my hand up, accentuating my finger where I wore his glistening eternity ring. "Doesn't this mean anything to you? Don't my actions speak loud enough?"
Alexander was taken aback. He released my hand and slid away from me. "Is that what this is all about, Raven? You waiting to become a vampire? Not about Alexander was taken aback. He released my hand and slid away from me. "Is that what this is all about, Raven? You waiting to become a vampire? Not about us being together as ourselves?"
"No..." My heart sank. I had gone too far. I didn't mean to offend Alexander. He had given me a gift that every day reminded me of his feelings toward me. I was foolish to have pressed him. My need to be more like him - to be what I'd always wanted to be - had gotten in the way of our wonderful evening together.
Why couldn't I just stay in the moment and let him enjoy having his sister in town and our privacy together instead of me demanding to be turned? Maybe I already was a vampire in a mortal's body. I craved Alexander so much I couldn't bear the thought of us not spending eternity together.
"I've waited seventeen years to meet you," he said. "The blood that runs through me isn't like yours. It is centuries old. You can live without me, Raven. I can't without you. You always act as if this is torture for you. But it's also torture for me." I was struck by his strong reaction. I thought he was in a playful mood and would have just shrugged off my habitual pushiness.
"It's getting late," he said, rising.
Why did I have to know this minute? Didn't I have all that I wanted here in Dullsville without spoiling it? I had my whole life ahead of me - but I wanted everything now. I knew I was lucky enough to have Alexander and to have the Crypt, too. But there was always that piece of me that wanted to be a vampire just like I had since I was a child. But what I was asking Alexander to do wasn't something to be taken lightly. And I was letting my needs and impatience get the best of both of us.
"We should go," he said. "I'll take you home."
Just like Stormy had felt the night before, I wasn't ready for our evening to be cut short.
"No," I said. "Let's stay here."
"I have to check on Stormy."
"But I can stay here while you do that. Or I can come with you."
Alexander wouldn't be swayed and wasn't giving in to me, just like he hadn't given in to his sister. He was ready for the evening to end. He began walking toward the front of the Mansion.
It broke my heart to see him mad at me. We rarely fought. I thought I'd rather not become a vampire than have him angry with me. I didn't want to lose him altogether.
"Wait, Alexander...."
He headed for the Mercedes parked out front, and I had to run to catch up to his quick pace.
He opened the car door for me but didn't wait until I got in before he went to the driver's side.
"I didn't mean to make you mad," I said, scooting in and closing the door.
"I'm not mad," he said. But clearly he was.
He turned on the engine and headed down the driveway.
I placed my hand on his shoulder, but he didn't cave in. His mood was like a jagged icicle thrust through my heart.
"You know how I feel about you," I said. "I just want to be like you, that's all. I should be able to tell you." Alexander didn't handle his feelings like Becky and I did. Our every thought and mood flowed like Niagara Falls from our lips. Alexander kept his feelings to himself, and it pained me in ways that I couldn't express to see him shutting off from me.
I was angry with myself that I'd spoiled the evening, and with him, too, that he'd taken what I'd said the wrong way.
"I don't want to go home like this," I said when he pulled up in front of my house.
Alexander was too much of a gentleman to let me walk to the door alone. He came around and opened my door. When I didn't budge from my seat, he glared at me as if he would carry me out.
I exited the car and tried to hide the tear that began to trickle down my cheek as he headed for my door.
"You know I love you - even if I never become a vampire," I said to him when we reached the stoop.
His dark eyes softened as if he felt all the emotion behind my genuine words.
I was hoping for a good-night kiss or anything to show me that our misunderstanding was over. But he headed back down the drive instead.
I sat on the stoop. "I'm not going inside until you make up with me!" I called to him.
But this time my stubbornness didn't deter him.
He got into the Mercedes and drove down the street while my tears flowed.
I was devastated. What had just happened? Alexander and I were having the dreamiest night together, and I spoiled it by insisting again that he turn me. This time I'd pushed Alexander too far. He was more practical than I was, and that was one of the reasons I was so drawn to him.
I wanted to become a vampire. But I wanted it under the best of terms. Love, passion, and a visceral, physical, and spiritual need for each other. I didn't want to be matched up with someone like he'd been with Luna - or tricked like Sebastian almost was. And I didn't want the business transaction that Jagger had offered me. I wanted my becoming a vampire to have been thought through, carefully considered with both of our minds, hearts, and souls. If Alexander was impulsive and irrational like I was, then he would be a completely different guy - a different kind of person and vampire. And ultimately, that was not what I wanted. I thought about if I'd met Jagger instead of Alexander - who knows how I'd feel about being a vampire now? My life and eternity would be about tricks, menacing, and deceit. And if I'd been turned by Sebastian, it would have been about living eternity on a whim, noton own the putting down roots but continually moving whenever he felt the need. We'd be slackers, running around from place to place without purpose. And though that seemed like it could be a lot of fun, I was more driven and motivated. I knew what I wanted out of life and out of eternity, and I wanted to share that with someone who knew what they wanted, too. Alexander had his passion in all the right places: his art, his family, me. And not only was he smoldering hot, he was just as attractive on the inside. He cared about me, his friends, and our families, and put our needs before his own. If not, wouldn't he be the kind of vampire who hunted girls and preyed on their flesh? Not the romantic, artistic type I found irresistible.
And asking someone to physically turn me into something that I wasn't born being wasn't to be taken lightly. If I'd been the one who had to turn Alexander into a mortal, become someone different from his own family, it would be a huge burden to me. I would do anything to make him happy, like he wanted to do for me, but I understood that it was a difficult decision to make. And if he'd felt any other way about turning me, with all its thrills and complications, then he wouldn't be my Alexander Sterling.
I realized that not having Alexander at all was far worse than my not becoming a vampire. If I had to live by his side just as I was, that was good enough for me.
Any life with Alexander was better than a life without him.
